Friday, June 15, 2007

Things That Annoy Me

-the music on Baby Einstein movies (That repetitive, obnoxious crap could've been used as torture in Gitmo)

-That shrieking Pterodactyl sound the little kid makes throughout the day (It is not a human sound and certainly not suitable for human ears)

-Britney Spears and all things Britney (K-Fed included)

-The daily Demolition Derby between the backs of my ankles and the little kid's walker (owww)

-Gum snapping (If I see you doing this in public, I will glare at you in disgust with my best "You are clearly trash and I would love to kick your ass right here, right now" face)

-Breakfast and lunch (Seriously, we can send a man to the moon but can't come up with a pill that would eradicate the need for these two time-wasting, calorie consuming times of day?)

-Lazy Town (Call me old fashioned but something is not right about a little girl with pink hair hanging out with some old dude in a unitard tight enough to display his junk)

-Batteries (They're made to die. My cell phone, my cordless phones, my computer, every freaking toy in the house....always dying)

-Week days (Friday is all right)

-People who start a statement with, "I'm not trying to be rude..." or "Not to be mean" (Unless I'm doing it, in that case I am trying to be rude and I am trying to be mean)

-98% of all forwarded emails (Especially the political bullshit. If you love Bush, keep it to yourself. It's embarrassing already)

-My Mother in Law

-The Wiggles (I don't get it and frankly, I think the whole thing is a little gay)

-Toys with no volume control (These make me actually appreciate dead batteries)

-Those phones you call that you hear a song instead of a ring while you're waiting for the person to pick up (Don't subject me to your bad taste in music. There's an excellent chance I'm not in the mood to hear about your lovely lady lumps this morning)

-Internet Explorer has encountered a problem and needs to close (Motherfucker)

-Bad grammar and typographical errors (It happens to all of us every once in a while. If you consistently have a problem with your/you're or there/their/they're, you are probably not smart.)

-Electrical cords (They are a mess, they are dangerous, the little kid thinks they are candy coated and once again, I think the technology is there that I shouldn't have to deal with them)

-People that stare at me at red lights (It's okay for me to do it, but don't let me catch you looking at me. I hate that. Unless you are a hot guy who is looking at me in obvious appreciation. That's cool.)

-Other people's dogs (My own dogs are bad enough. DO NOT let your dog sniff my crotch or scratch my legs up when I come to your house. I WILL fucking drop kick that dog as soon as you turn your back.)

-Sundresses at funerals (Not the time to show off your tan, ho-bag. Put some clothes on. Living in Florida is not a free pass to dress like a whore)

-Ironing (It seems self-explanatory, but it just doesn't work for me. Maybe my wrinkles are super strength or something?)

-Maple Syrup (If it was up to me, syrup usage would be limited to restaurants if and only if a shower is scheduled directly thereafter)

-The Post Office (Those fucking bastards. This deserves its own list)

-Smokers who throw their butts into the sand at the beach (Smokers, you know you annoy me as it is. THE BEACH IS NOT YOUR ASHTRAY. Don't make me explain to my children that the treasure they just found is not a seashell or the perfect flag for their sand castle)

-My answering machine (I'm almost phobic about it. This very second I have 46 unheard messages. I don't give a shit either)

-The selflessness of motherhood (I'm tired of not eating any bananas because I don't want to run out of bananas because the little kid lives for them. I used to like bananas too dammit.)

-Cleaning the house (I know this one is no surprise, but I just think it is pointless. It's a task that is never completed or appreciated and it is too hard and takes too long and hurts me. Yes, it physically hurts me)

-Whining (Unless I'm the one doing it, I don't want to hear it)

-The Big Kid's need to get fully undressed in order to go pee (It's not necessary)

-The Big Kid's inability to dress himself after disrobing to go pee (Seriously, he can install software on his laptop...but he can't put his underwear on himself?)

-People with ugly kids that truly seem to have no idea (You do have eyes, right?)

-The fact that Mr. Ashley has not read my blog. (I have sent him the link twice, I tell him daily how many people have been reading the witty musings of his dear wife. Apparently, no interest. He better shape up soon....he is a great source of material and if he's not reading anyway...)

Speaking of Mr. Ashley, I have to get something together for him and for Mr. Ashley's dad today. He'd probably rather a spotless house and a wife who didn't have laptop imprint permanently etched into the top of her thighs, but I think some construction paper and paint should be plenty. I will keep you all posted.

In honor of our dear one legged Monogram Momma (Can we call her Eileen? Get it...I-Lean? Tee-hee), I want all of us to send out healing thoughts at 32 minutes past every hour. Imagine her leg bathed in white healing light and her doing pirouettes through her lovely monogrammed mansion. Because injuries also annoy me, although injuries that turn people I really like into a captive audience? Well, maybe not so bad.

19 comments:

Monogram Momma said...

OMG you are CRACKING ME UP!

And internet Explorer? WTH? It happens to you too? My computer keeps asking me for the Sonic Update software every hour and it takes cancelling it 4 times in rapid wrist movement with the mouse for it to actually stop asking me.

And you know something else? Mr. Monogram doesn't read my blog either. in fact he doesn't find me even remotely as amusing as I find myself, and is starting to look at me sideways when I talk about my blogland friends I've made. It's not like I'm dating any of them so what's the big deal?!

Yours,
I-Leen

P.S. Cleaning the house is very overrated. Just wait until both of your kids are "pottytrained" and you then have THREE males in the house with horrible aim (and don't care b/c they're not the ones cleaning the bathrooms). For this, dear Ashley, be grateful you still have one in diapers.

gilley said...

I found your blog through Monogram Momma - you are hilarious! I have an almost 4-year old boy and an 8 month old baby girl. I feel your pain.

And now, for some assvice... my son goes through stages where he stutters and carries on - he'll get stuck on a syllable and hit it about 20 times, then move on. He'll do it for a couple of weeks, and then speak fine for months. My aunt, who is a speech therapist said not to worry about toddler speech. So there, an excuse not to go back to dumb, inconsiderate ole Mrs. Schneider.

ElleBee said...

Pardon me while I choke on my lunch...Every time I thought "Oh my gosh, I thought it was just me!", I saw another gem that I related to! Love the site! I found you through MM's site and am pleased to say I'll be checking out the Closet daily!

Yellow Fence said...

Oh the forwarded emails get me all the time. And it seems that people who have no business using a computer (my Father-in-Law) are the worst offenders. I usually look it up on snopes and send it back to them with just a "false". Idiots.

Traci said...

You are hys-freaking-terical!

Ya know, BBC is paying, starting at $10.00 a blog... if you ever wanna go PC, you can make some cash!

sisters with style said...

Word. I agree with it all.

Sasha said...

Holy crap.... you rock! One of my new fave blogs, thanks to Monogram Momma.

Robin said...

why oh why can the boys not dress themselves? When I'm eating my dinner, I don't want your underwear thrown on my plate thankyouverymuch.

and the screeching...cleaning the house...batteries....yes yes yes.

traci b said...

I just friggin peed my pants! I swear to god that was the funniest thing EVER! Amen, sistah, about the internet explorer thing...and then when I read the bad grammar commment...holy crap...too funny!
How about when signs get actually PUBLISHED with errors, like the its/it's thing...not rocket science, hello!?
Anyway, I LOVE your blog, found you through MM, and I will be back daily!
Keep it up, I can always use a daily laugh! :)

Corrie said...

You are too funny. I thought I was the only one that felt that way about some of the items on the list. You are just the say exactly what you think version of me. I try to say those things with a smile in a creepy Bree Hodge sort of way. I think sometimes I am way too nice!

Love your blog Ashley!! Keep it up!

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You are soooo my type of gal. I'm totally with ya on the LazyTown and the bad grammar.
We would seriously get along in real life.

tommiea said...

Thanks to Monogram momma for pointing me in your direction...I have a 4 year old and a 2 and a half (don't forget the half, or she will kindly remind you). Loved all of your rants, but the laptop imprint was the best. Sometimes I have to prop it up on my knees because my legs get hot.

That should be my sign....but nope...I just readjust.

Thanks for the laughs.

Burrus Family said...

I love you so much it hurts. I either snot myself or pee just a little each time I read your blog. And I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.

ME ME ME said...

This blog has taken on a life of its own. It is seriously bigger than all of us now. I am so insanely proud! Woo hoo! Yay for you! :)

Ashley said...

Here I thought I was highly irritable and easily annoyed...either we all are, or all that crap is seriously annoying.

Thanks for all the compliments ladies, I'm not used to anyone but me laughing at my jokes.

BRyan said...

Yeah, what is it with the ole DH and not reading my blog?
"She's got a Blahhgh" like it's a stinky sweat sock or an STD or something...

BethPie said...

Lazy Town. Yes, you're right. I'm fairly certain that show has some type of pedophile agenda.

Donna Holmes said...

Seriously, you are making me snort at work!

awesomespelledbatman said...

This had me cracking up, way to funny.