Thursday, June 7, 2007

Breaking News

Paris Hilton is out of jail?? Yeah, that's fair. Something about a medical condition and not being able to read? I didn't think Herpes was considered a medical condition that would keep you out of jail and I had no idea being illiterate (which she's not, she's a dumb ass, but I am pretty sure she can read, since she can write and all) is a get out of jail free card. House arrest? I'd give up my toes to be on house arrest at her place. RI-DICK-U-LOUS. Proud to be an American today folks, dirty whores that had the good fortune to be born to a hotel chain are free to do as they please while the rest of us peons have to follow the rules.

So I've thought up a new form of torture....Chutes & Ladders. Oh my God. Please, no more.

I woke up this morning feeling pukey. Please, go ahead and ask if I'm pregnant so I can look up your IP address, track you down and punch you in the nose.

I am supposed to go paint pottery tonight. I had envisioned sipping wine while painting (terribly) and enjoying adult company but that probably won't happen if I'm still dry heaving.

The fucking cat threw up on my leather couch and when I wiped it up, the acid discolored the leather. I am so pissed. I hate those damn cats. I'm thinking of having a little patch of leather made from one of their carcasses in order to patch up the damage.

I've got to go make the brats lunch and slap the Go Fish game out of the Big Kid's hands. No freaking way, Chutes & Ladders was enough fun for today...for the week actually. Maybe we can do some shopping later tonight, I need it.

P.S. I had a cute "Get out of jail free" card graphic to add to this post but freaking Blogger is having some sort of technical difficulties. Thanks Blogger, for making my day just a little easier.


Fluffy Windover said...

Dear Ashley,
Thanks for the comment. I just spent the better part of my work day reading your entire blog. Please stop being so goddamn hilarious and frank so that I don't get fired. Kthxbye.

Unknown said...

Holy hell, I've been noticed by Fluffy Windover!! I spent hours yesterday ignoring my children and reading her entire blog, every single word.

I told her this, but I'll tell the rest of you too, that I think we're the same person except:
She drinks more (I'm working on increasing my alcohol consumption though)
She has no kids (Could get knocked up any time)
She has a job (Could get fired, especially if she spends all day reading blogs)

She's so, super funny (like me!) Go read her blog!

Unknown said...

I fucking hate Paris Hilton. the bitch should rot in jail. I wonder how much she paid her shrink to fabricate some sort of bullshit to get her out early. What... Jail isn't fun? TOO FUCKING BAD, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE, YOU MORON!

BTW- Have you considered all-day preschool to get the Big Kid out of the house? It could significantly decrease the amount of Chutes & Ladders required of you, plus you gave Big Kid three years of one on one time. Don't you owe it to the Little One to give him some one on one time, too?

Unknown said...

I'm on my way to read Fluffy's blog. But by only ready your explanation of her, I think that she's more like me, though, since I have a job and drink a lot. I fancy myself funny, but until I have a blog of my own, I suppose I can't prove it.

Unknown said...

Yeah, you can't prove it. You too are similar, in terms of having jobs and drinking.

So did you miss the whole thing about me not being able to afford to send my kid to part time Jewish preschool? Because I think full time preschool is a great idea, it's just a matter of finding a preschool that is not ghetto but doesn't cost as much as college. That's mommy's boob job money.

Pay attention next time please.

Unknown said...

Oh, and tell us how you really feel about Paris. We can speak freely here.

Monogram Momma said...


Why not? The kids do it all the time with my stuff. If they only knew what happend to Candyland. Hmmmmm......

Unknown said...

See why I want to be Monogram Momma? The woman is brilliant!

DUH, why didn't I think of that?? Candyland is long gone, that game really sucks. Unless you're drunk and cheating, then it is slightly better, but still pretty much sucks.

Sisters with Style said...

Just found you blog--hilarious!

Fluffy Windover said...

My sister (who is insane and has four children on purpose) was getting tired of all the TV and so she told her kids that the TV was "broken". And they believed her.

Unknown said...

Uh yeah, but then she has to entertain 4 kids without the help of television. Clearly insane.