Nooooo, the honorable Moose A. Moose would never say that, but I'd watch Noggin a little more if he did. He could use some street cred. I was actually thinking about starting to do Meth. I hear it makes you feel awake and good and like cleaning your house and makes you thin. Unfortunately, I don't have dental insurance and I also hear it rots your teeth out. The whole scabby face thing would also be a real bummer. I guess breastfeeding would be out of the question, as well. I also don't know anyone who does it or where one would go to get it. It looks like I'm just going to have to suffer through life (mostly) sober. Damn it.
I have been plotting with some prescription savvy friends about what it would take to get some medically approved uppers. Narcolepsy seems to be the key. I do fall asleep a lot....but in all honesty, my chances of getting a script don't seem good. Mostly because I dislike doctors and try not to go unless I'm dying (I survived the moldy bread incident, mostly unscathed, in case you were worried). Someone suggested going to bed before 2am, but really....wouldn't it be easier to convince a doctor I have a rare condition and just get some drugs?? Between 10 and 2 is my kid-free time and that's really non-negotiable. Damn it.
Speaking of breastfeeding (awkward segue, I just don't care that much), Mr. Ashley wants me to close down the Titty Bar. I've been doing it for 9 months now and the Grand Plan is to go for a year. I guess he's sick of sharing (there's really been no sharing, little kid is king these days) and is a little weirded out by seeing the little kid crawl across the bed, pull down my comforter, get my breast out and begin eating, but self feeding really is the easiest way, right ?
I love breastfeeding, here is why:
- It's a bargain. Formula is so expensive and that is just WRONG. Those formula companies are as bad as cigarette companies, they know they've got you by the balls. How much can it cost to produce formula? I could buy new flip flops with that money.
- It takes up no room in my diaper bag and if I'm out doing something fun, I don't have to worry about running out. I can even throw my diapees and wipees case in my Coach patchwork bucket bag (love my purse).
- No extra dishes! I fucking hate dishes.
- I belong to an online message board where there are frequent debates about nursing in public and other assorted issues. I like to ridicule those who have an opposing viewpoint but are not articulate enough to express it in a manner that makes it even worth considering. Some women who don't agree with me are very, very smart (obviously a little misguided) but some of the others are very, very entertaining.
- I think I get a little high off Oxytocin. That's a good thing. I love feel good hormones.
- No mixing bottles in the middle of the night, just throw a boob in his direction and we're good.
- Easy way to shut the little kid up, plus I'm afraid he'd pack his bags and leave if I shut down. Well, wait a minute...as long as he'd come back eventually...I would understand needing a little break....