Thursday, June 14, 2007

Freaking Out

I always hated those people that had kids and then got rid of their pets. How rotten, I thought, I would never. I still would never, but boy do I want to some days. Unfortunately for them, my pets have gotten a lot more annoying since I've had kids. Before they were "quirky". They were "my babies." Now they're just stinking, mess making, demanding roommates that contribute nothing and that I can't evict.

Two dogs and two cats and two kids is just too much. I have recently moved the cats' food bowl and one cat hasn't eaten in three days. Tangerine, that little bitch. She will only accept one brand of litter and only drinks from the faucet and I'm just not losing this war with the food bowl. Pearl is reluctant, but she's not going to starve over it. Tangerine just might.

Pearl's not so bad. She has an unnatural affinity for the smell of bleach and she is involved in a passionate love affair with our ladder, but she's easy to live with.

Heidi Louise the Dachshund is sitting here staring at me and salivating over a plate of half eaten plate of mac and cheese I have in front of me on the coffee table. If I turn my back for one second, she will jump up and eat it shamelessly. She also pees where she wants and poops on the front sidewalk. Not cool. She's 12 and that's her excuse, but she's been doing it as long as I can remember.

Lily is a big, hairy, white German Shepherd and she stinks and she's always in my way and she was a "gift" from my mother in law. Enough said.

Speaking of animals, Those damn kids kept me busy today. The little kid was trying to play with the Big Kid while he was riding a little car thing around and got his fingers ran over. As I comforted the little kid, the Big Kid went running into the little kid's room and slammed the door (They both are always going into each other's rooms and shutting the door, I thought I'd have a few years before the sibling fights started??). I took the little kid in there and asked the Big Kid to apologize:

Ashley: Big Kid, do you want to tell Little Kid that it was an accident and that you are sorry.

Big Kid: NOOOO! I am NOT Sowwy. I will NOT say it.

Ashley: Just tell him you will be more careful next time.

Big Kid: Mudder, No! He was fweaking me out. The little kid was fweaking me out, touching my car and all dose stuffs and I don't need to tell him sowwy.

Ashley: Did you just say he was freaking you out? (snorting in my effort not to laugh)

Big Kid: Yes, he WAS fweaking me out and it is not dunny. It is not dunny at all dis time, otay mommy?

Ashley: Yeah, otay. (snicker, snicker)

Big Kid: I told you, not dunny.

So I will confess sometimes when I'm begging him for some personal space and he's demanding to know "Whhhhhhy" I need it for the 40th time, I have maybe told him "because I'm freaking out". There's no reason to share one cushion of the couch and have his dirty little feet kicking me all over. I love a good snuggle session, but it shouldn't ever involve his feet and my face.

Would you believe that stupid fucktard of a cat is whining at me for her food?? IT IS FOUR FEET TO YOUR RIGHT, ASSHAT. I HAVE SHOWN YOU 8 DIFFERENT TIMES. That one won't run away either....I've left the door open for her on more than one occasion. Because I wouldn't give my pets away, but if they were to run away on their on free will...what could I do?

12 comments:

Corrie said...

We have a 4 year old tweenie daschund and a 3 year old mini daschund.
Gidgett is the 3 year old mini and we have been having problems with her going wee wee in the girls bedrooms. It's like she's mad that the kids live with us, only she plays nicely with them.
I personally think she just does it to be a bitch (no pun intended).
We also have a peek-a-poo and a siamese cat.
Now that we have my dad and the three girls it is a full house for sure. The girls love the animals though.

BTW you are so funny!

atlanta social said...

We don't have kids yet. I completely agree. My dog is great, but when kids come not so much. Husband does not see it that way.

ME ME ME said...

Your Big Kid is mighty funny, Ashley. Next time he tells you he's fweaking out because Little Kid is infringing on his personal space, tell him that "Karma's a beyotch".

Ashley said...

Corrie, Heidi Louise was a mini until she ate herself right up into the mid-sized category. Dachshunds are absolutely brilliant, vindictive little shits. The peeing indoors is most certainly repayment for how you have wronged her. Gidgett is a great name. If I ever get another one she'll be Gretchen for a girl or Murphy for a boy. Hopefully I'm never dumb enough to get another one!

The "Karma is a beyotch" line is fan-freakin-tabulous. How did I not think of that? It's on now.

Traci said...

I have to tell you.. I feel the exact same way..
I have two dogs, and one was my precious little angel.. even when she peed on the floor, it was okay. (well, not really but I chalked it up to her still being a puppy... she's 2, for Pete's sake)
Now.. I can't stand the bitch. I am constantly trying to give them to my Mother...

Deb said...

I hear you, sister. I do hope my child has wonderful memories of our dogs. Because they are definitely the LAST ones we will ever own.

Deb

Burrus Family said...

Seriously, I'm not copying you, but I just blogged yesterday about the death watch I have on my dog. I think we're living the same pathetic life. Sorry.

Jodi said...

HOLY CRAP.
LMFAO! That conversation was hysterical. "Mudder, no"

Jodi said...

I had to add that I hate both my dogs, too. They stink and they are old, and the only place they can sleep is in our room. Otherwise, they bark all freakin' night. When dh complained about having to step over their reeking bodies the other night to get into bed (maybe the cauliflower leftovers wasn't the best plan), I reminded him that in a few short years, we will have our bedroom back.
Admittedly, I got rid of one of my 2 cats. I kept the freaky Siamese, cuz I like her blue eyes. I had to dump Mr.J onto someone else who enjoys cat piss all over special personal items. (okay....well, maybe I didn't share that part with the new owners...)
The straw that broke this camel's back was when he peed all over my hospital bag, ready for the birth of my second baby. If that ain't worthy of a shovel, I don't know what is. He's lucky Craigslist exists, that's all I can say. and that I don't mind lying.
jodi

Jodi said...

I had to add that I hate both my dogs, too. They stink and they are old, and the only place they can sleep is in our room. Otherwise, they bark all freakin' night. When dh complained about having to step over their reeking bodies the other night to get into bed (maybe the cauliflower leftovers wasn't the best plan), I reminded him that in a few short years, we will have our bedroom back.
Admittedly, I got rid of one of my 2 cats. I kept the freaky Siamese, cuz I like her blue eyes. I had to dump Mr.J onto someone else who enjoys cat piss all over special personal items. (okay....well, maybe I didn't share that part with the new owners...)
The straw that broke this camel's back was when he peed all over my hospital bag, ready for the birth of my second baby. If that ain't worthy of a shovel, I don't know what is. He's lucky Craigslist exists, that's all I can say. and that I don't mind lying.
jodi

Em said...

I practically peed my pants in laughter! I'll have to thank Monogram Momma for turning me onto your blog. I'm pretty new to this blog thing, and she was one of the first I came across, because I live in the South, and we MONOGRAM EVERYTHING. Yes, everything...

Fluffy Windover said...

The BHE and I don't have kids yet, but one of the things that made me think that we probably should was when we started tucking our dogs into their (monogrammed) dog beds at night. Seriously. Also when we started giving them their own stockings for christmas and labelling the dog toys inside "From Santa". Pathetic.