I am alive and not even hung over! I know, you were all hoping I'd post something scandalous last night in my drunken state, but I was a little tired for that.
I forgot to tell you all that my Lands End tote bag came in! That was so quick!! Let me also tell you, when Lands End says Extra Large they mean Extra Mother Fucking Large. Now I know some of you blushed when reading that, but there is really no other way to get my point across. I could put the kids in there. It is so big it makes me look like a midget. So it is PERFECT for the boat, but unless I want to look like a dwarf wrestling with an oversized tote bag that could facilitate in transporting other dwarves at the pool playdates, I'm going to have to purchase a Large or Medium as well. If I had known I was getting two, I would have gotten my last name on the bill board sized one and my monogram on the normal sized one, but oh well.
I got my Bath and Body Works stuff and my new Lilly shorts too, so it was a good mail day. I also had the following conversation with the big kid:
Ashley: What's that smell?
Big Kid: Um, nuthin.
Ashley: You smell like a French whore.
Big Kid: Big Kid no smell wike Fwench Oar.
Ashley: I don't know, something does, come here.
Big Kid: Um, no tank you.
Ashley: Is that my bath soap, Big Kid?
Big Kid: (shit eating grin on his face) Um, you mean da soap I was onwy smewwing?
Ashley: Why are your arms sticky?
Big Kid: Um, my ahms are sticky beeeeeecause....of maple sywup?
Ashley: Then lick them.
Big Kid: Lick my ahm? Dis ahm wight here?
Ashley: Sure, that one should work
Big Kid: (takes small lick, looks poisoned) Yum, Dat is good. (pained smile)
Ashley: Go talk to your dad.
So that's right folks, some of my new soap went the way of that expensive apricot baby oil (there was an oil slick in my tub for weeks) and that $20 Wen conditioner (smeared all over the inside of the shower stall) and was puddled up in the bottom of the tub. The Big Kid is also clearly mastering the skill of lying. Luckily he makes this totally ridiculous face when he lies and purses his lips and looks up and to the right and if I needed any help seeing through his blatantly impossible and ridiculous fibs, that would be a dead giveaway.
I am supposed to be going on the boat today (a chance to show off my new suit and new tote bag!) but Mr. Ashley is still feeling pukey. I really don't think stomach cramps and nausea should stand in the why of my tanning opportunities, so we'll see if we can work something out.