Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Little Kid,

Notice there is no "Dear" in the salutation? Yeah. Get it together, kiddo. There have been 8 minutes today (not all at once) in which you were not whining (not counting your 15 minute nap, of course). I don't even know what you want anymore, but I CANNOT DO IT. Learn to adjust, please.

Also, I do not have a penis (regardless of what your brother says; when I need to shave and he tells me my penis is dirty, he is not only overstepping his bounds, he is incorrectly using the terminology). However, I do know that males need a certain percentage of time spent each day messing with their junk and that your diaper makes this difficult for you. I will let you have more bath time and/or nakey time *IF* and only *IF* you stop grabbing your junk while it is covered in poop.

It's hard enough to change your diaper, with you flipping and flailing around like a whale beached on a sheet of glass covered in baby oil, but it is nearly impossible while I have to pin your little poopy arms above your head. Believe it or not, this isn't fun for me either. Our options are: #1. Pooping a whole lot less (this would be my preference) or #2. Not flipping around, grabbing your poopy privates and trying to reach for the poop filled diaper while I'm trying to change you.

Thank you for your consideration. I am confident that these small changes will not hinder your opportunity to be a penis puppeteer like your ever so talented big brother.

Yours Truly (Like It Or Not),
Mom

P.S. Do you have to touch every freaking thing in the house?? Everything other than all of the toys, that is. Craft time with the Big Kid is hard enough, I don't need you tearing the paper up or eating the crayons. Oh, and the rice steamer in the pantry--it's mine. Not yours. Leave it alone.

P.P.S. Seriously, what the hell is up with the godforsaken screeching sound?

(And stop laughing every time I tell you no. We both know I'm your bitch, no need to flaunt it.)

18 comments:

ME ME ME said...

lmao - David also loves to grab himself during diaper changes. Damn, they're fast, aren't they?

Dana said...

Mind if I give this to my LK? It could have been written to him (except for BK parts . . . I don't have one of those) and it saves me the time of having to write my own.

Buttercup said...

This is so weird someone just warned me of this grabbing poop thing YESTERDAY. This has not occured here (yet). I just can't believe the coincidence. This is like deja vu except not.

Monogram Momma said...

It's like I keep telling Mr. Monogram... This is his fault. Girls don't do this stuff. They are perfectly content taking Barbie's clothes off and leaving it at that.

Burrus Boys said...

My son Will checks on "Little Willie" with each diaper change. He's obviously advanced for his age. :)

Happy Homemaker said...

Too funny and so true!

Thirty-One Trendy said...

I think they all (no matter how old they get) think it's going to fall off so they have to keep checking to make sure Mr. Winky is still attached.

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You just never know when that Pee-Pee Monster will swoop in and snatch it! Therefore, must have one hand on it AT ALL TIMES.
Duh, Mom.

sisters with style said...

My husband STILL will lay on the couch with his hands down his pants.

Deb said...

Ahhh... yes... "S.O.D." or Shit on Dick, as we call it. (Yeah, it's a classy house I run.) Don't try wrestling him. His urge to do his best balloon animal act with his penis is too strong. Distraction. Try small electronics (cell phone, digital camera, etc.) Like any other male, the only reason he'll take his hands off his junk is if he's got things that light up in them instead.

Suburban Magnolia said...

Great post!! Love it, love it, love it!!

Jodi said...

yes, dh still does the Al Bundy around here too.
All I can say is "I'm so forever thankful for my 2 girls".....
(although I can relate to the touching everything in the house and flip-flopping like a lubed whale on a sheet of glass (nice analogy, btw)).

jodi

p.s. (I miss you)

tommiea said...

thanks for the laugh...I second "giving them a toy" during diaper changes. Mine could play with the tube of Boudroux's butt paste for the entire diaper change!

Unsweet T said...

These comments are just as funny as your post! Thanks for the laughs!

Traci said...

OH yeah... how I can relate.
Trevor plays with his 'peter' like it is his JOB..
One time, he grabbed at it with such force, he came back up with blood all over his hands..
I have tried the cell phone, remote and baby lotion.. to no avail.
I ahve resorted to putting socks on his hands, it takes jsut about the length of time for him to get them off as it does for me to change his diaper..

Boys are alot of fun.

Jennifer said...

Your blog is friggin' hil-ar-ious! I've given the link to all my friends--even those without kids!

Thanks for the much needed daily laughs:)

-a fellow BBC mom

ElleBee said...

ROFL!!! SO glad that I'm not the only one who experiences this. In my life, second only to playing in poop is the fascination with the diaper cream as I'm trying to apply it, and lemme tell ya, that stuff is NO PICNIC to try and remove from wiggly fingers!

Noah and momsie said...

LOL!!! SO dam funny!! And so friggin true!! Your blog really made my evenin, heck it made my day!! And I LOVE the analogy!

And thanks to traci for the sock on hand idea. Will try that for the next diaper change. Can't wait to see his reaction!