Friday, March 28, 2008

Raw

Writing the eulogy was cathartic in a way, as was another day at the beach which was further brightened by finding a gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers from the Chaws on my doorstep.

All of your comments and support truly move me and remind me that there really is some good in the world. I'm on a whole "the world sucks and resistance to the misery is futile" kick this week, between my dog dying and shit on the news and an image from the war of a grief stricken mother cradling the body of her bloody 6 year old and everyone I know being depressed and seeing people go homeless because of the real estate market crash...it's just hard to convince myself otherwise without all of these heartfelt reminders from people who hardly know me.

I'm still so sad. I feel like a scab that is continuously being picked. An oozing, painful mess. I am so used to my eyes filling up with tears that I no longer bother with the effort to raise my hands to my cheeks to wipe them away and I just have permanent hot salty streaks dripping from my face.

I'm struck by her absence over and over again and my heart aches and my eyes burn and I'm filled with so much regret and sadness and just plain missing her that it just really physically hurts. I feel like when you have a hangover and you're convinced that throwing up would make it all go away but you can't throw up. I just wish I could and that it was all that easy.

Chaw Sherri often references wanting to put on fuzzy socks and cling to her bed like it's a life raft and I alternate between that and wanting to put the house back together since it is frozen at the moment of disaster--garage sale stuff everywhere, dishes piled up, laundry neglected. But when I look around and remember why it's all like this in the first place, I just want to go back to the life raft plan.

Thank you all for being so great. I promise we'll move on to talking about something else soon.

19 comments:

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Take your time, Doll.

No need to rush this. You only move on when you're ready.

TaterMama said...

I know how painful it is to lose a pet who is a member of your family. Take all the time you need to vent, cry, and grieve in anyway necessary. My heart goes out to you and I wish there was something more real I could do other than tell you how sorry I am and that I am praying for you and your family.

Tiffany said...

Ashley don't worry about entertaining us or "moving on" to other things. You need to take your time and grieve properly. She was a big part of your life and you need to take your time to remember her. Try and think about the good and you will be ok - eventually.

Donna said...

I'm telling you, it will always hurt. It's been two years since Mandy was hit by a car. I have another dog I love dearly. But if I think very hard about that day and what I could have done to prevent my very young dog's death, I still cry. So I try not to think about it too often. And yet, I must think sometimes. I owe her that.

Anonymous said...

You just talk about this as long as you like Ashley... this is your show, girl.

Hope tomorrow is better than today...

Deb said...

I was in your shoes (fuzzy socks?) a mere three weeks ago with my old dog. My house has still not recovered. I vote for the life raft plan.

Liz said...

Take your time Ashley - we'll be here.

Catfish said...

It never stops hurting...it just stops hurting all the time. Stay on the raft as long as you need to, I'll bring you wine/water/food/wine.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

pogonip said...

Hang in there--fuzzy socks, valium, full body massages, whatever it takes to get through until you see some daylight.

Mom Of 3 said...

We are here for you. I know the pain you feel. It is hard. Heres a bug (((((((((((hug for you)))))))))))

J.Rube said...

Take as long as you need to, Ash.

Tiffany said...

Ashley, you write as much as you want and need about dear Heidi Louise... you cannot lose such a dear love in your life and bounce back right away. Know that we feel for you and wish peace and comfort for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Anonymous said...

Ashley, this is my first comment, but I've been reading for a couple months. I think you rock!

My heart has been breaking for you. I know the pain you're in...it's horrible and all consuming. It does get better, a little. Thinking of you!

-Can't log in for some reason, so it's going under anon.-

Buffy in VT

Heidi said...

Time will ease your pain. You were so lucky to have Heidi Louise in your life.

Many others understand the grief of losing a beloved pet. I know I do.

Again, I am just so sorry for your loss. It is brave of you to share your pain with us.

Heidi

caitlin said...

Talk about it as much as you need to. We're still here for you :)

Traci said...

We're all in this for the long haul with you.
Talk about HL as long as you have to, we'll listen.

Lisa said...

Hey, don't worry about us. Take your time. It's the only thing that really helps.

((hugs))

Mamalicious said...

God Love your heart, Ashley. I hope you are taking good care of yourself and being kind to yourself.

((HUGS))
Holly

AFRo said...

Hope you're okay tonight. I miss you.