Wednesday, March 12, 2008

To My Neighbors:

It is not appropriate to be running a backhoe at 9:45 on a Wednesday night. There's just no reason for it. You've been making racket over there all day long, doing God knows what, and it is time to be done for the day.

Also, our house is not that small. I KNOW that your house is 5000 square feet because you tell me every single time I see you. No need to make inferences about the size of my home like you do. I get it, you have a McMansion. Congrats on that.

Furthermore, I don't feel like I should have to address you as Mrs. Ashley's Neighbor. I called you by your first name that one time and you corrected me! Your husband introduced himself by his first name, it's weird for you to insist that I call you Mrs.

While we're on the subject of names, my name is NOT Allison. It is Ashley. I believe I have corrected you on this, as has my husband, and I'm kind of thinking that it is some sort of passive aggressive retaliation for me calling you by your first name.

I know that you sold us the land and I do appreciate it. Really I do. However, you no longer have rights. I'm sorry to hear you wouldn't have sold it to us if you knew we were going to build a deck because decks breed snakes. I kind of thought snakes came with living in the woods of a tropical climate, but I am not educated on the matter as you obviously are. I'm sorry I brought the snakes to Florida and that you sold the land to me.

Speaking of the land, I can't afford to pay $10,000 to take every single tree off like you did. I know you want me to, I've heard you mention it once or twice or maybe three times. I know it would cost $10,000 because you've told me. More than once. I'm also aware that snakes like trees. I guess. If you say so. Perhaps you'd like to make a charitable contribution?

Speaking of charitable contributions, if you leave an unmarked package on my doorstep the day I bring a baby home, with no note or indication of where it is from...I might forget the thank you note. If this happens, it would make me very uncomfortable if you yelled at me from your yard (which is hundreds of feet away from mine) that I forgot to thank you. Sorry about forgot to tell me it was from you. I was also a little bit busy.

And about the kids...I know you think I don't take them outside enough. You mortified me at Jason's Deli when it was the first thing you said to me upon our awkward encounter and then you told my husband and then I think you even told my mom when you had a business transaction together.

I think it's interesting that you think so, since you don't even live there and all. This is your weekend/season/other coast home (thus the beeping smoke detector I put up with for weeks)...perhaps I take them out when you're not watching? Perhaps I take them elsewhere and we go out there? Perhaps they are wild animals that don't deserve to go out? Thankssomuchforyourconcern.

If that thing doesn't stop backing up and making that horrendous beeping sound and those grinding noises, I am going to stomp right over there (read: send Mr. Ashley right over there) and raise some holy hell. If you wake up little kid, I'm sending him.

Screw You, You Suck, Sincerely,


so tired said...

Maybe Mr. Neighbor finally killed the bitch and is using the backhoe to bury her in the dark of night. Maybe you should see if he needs help.

And in case she is still alive tomorrow.... I think you should call her by a first name, just not her first name. And also have the kids call her by the first name too. That should really piss her off.

Hair Girl said...

They sound lovely!
You should bake her a treat with BK's help. I am sure he can come up with a very interesting recipe.

Joy said...

Oh I would SO send over little kid, make sure to find where she keeps her laptop. I also would make sure to tell the kids her first name and make sure they use it everytime they see her.

Anonymous said...

If someone yells at you, don't respond. Pretend you're little kid. When she can politely come over and talk to you, you can talk back. Until then, the silent treatment.

AFRo said...

Is it okay to "paint them invisible?" That's my solution to everything this week.

Lori said...

My first instinct was just to send Little Kid. Just throw him up on her doorstep and let her have him for 15 - 20 minutes, tops. That would teach her.

But, after reading the comments, I'm thinking "so tired" could be onto something. You never know what that backho is being used for and you just might want to wait and see what might be going on ;)

Deb said...

You have to yell when your head is six feet up your ass. Otherwise you can't hear yourself. I think it's the third law of physics.

Unknown said...

I have to say, I officially have a blog crush on you now. I know it may be a bit creepy but how can I not?

As for the neighbor; You may need to have a really LOUD party this weekend. Make it a toga party!

Anonymous said...

She corrected you to call her Mrs.? Wow. And mentioned you didn't thank her? Wow again. She's quite the piece of work.

Anonymous said...

I'm crossing my fingers for you that "so tired" got it right! Good luck! It sucks to have twots for neigbors!

Mom O Matic said...

"Maybe Mr. Neighbor finally killed the bitch and is using the backhoe to bury her in the dark of night. Maybe you should see if he needs help."

I thought I was already laughing as hard as I could till I read that comment.

I hate my homeschooling, garbage tossing neighbors. You are inspiring me to write them a little blog letter.

Anonymous said...

I think you must immediately start referring to her by her first name, and tell her the kids can't go out because of the snakes.

Jennifer said...

Just be happy that they don't live there full-time!

Sounds like she's got a real problem with snakes. You should get a novelty garden sign that says "Allison's Snake Sanctuary" and work your affinity for snakes into every conversation. Did you ever watch the movie "Big Business" with Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler? It is hilarious, and Lily Tomlin does this snake-like thing with her hand that is perfect. Sometimes you have to fight crazy with crazy.

Marie said...

I can't stop laughing. Then I read the comment from "so tired" and almost pee'd my pants from laughing so hard. Thanks for the daily giggles!!

Melodie said...

Can we say "self-centered?" Apparently, the world revolves around Mrs. Neighbor and you just need to do as she tells you. NOT!

I hate people like that. "My house is bigger than yours, and I have more money than you, therefore I know more than you do about everything and I am more important than you."

I'm surprised you haven't gone off on her yet. I know I wouldn't be able to hold back. Especially once she brought my kids and my parenting into question. Nobody does that and gets away with it.

FunnyGal KAT said...

What is wrong with people that they think they have a right to comment on how you live your life?!? As long as your children aren't in danger (of anything other than being attacked by all the snakes in your yard) then they should mind their own business.

I would go on, but I think So Tired covered the rest of the funny things I could say.

Mitch said...

Really? She makes you call her Mrs. Lastname? That is so...odd. Are they old? Is she a teacher? I'm really trying to understand her logic. Wait. This is Florida we're talking about here. Of course, she's old. Now I get it. But its still weird.

Jason said...


A little helpful advice for getting on her nerves.

The next time she mentions snakes, tell her you love snakes and you hope to provide as much snake habitat as possible. Snakes are one of natures creatures and they have a right to Florida homes too.

As far as her wanting to be called "Mrs. Neighbor", remind her that her husband could divorce her or worse....she may be the second wife....and then there is more than one "Mrs. Neighbor" running around. A goofy nickname would probably really piss her off.

Hope this helps.

Fluffy Windover said...

Wow, sounds kind of like my mother-in-law. ha!

Ashley said...

I say you send her a nice little thank you note for the present, the smoke detector, her kind advise regarding your children, all the while using her first name, sign it Allison ehhhh I mean Ashley and let LK or BK seal it shut with boogers and hand deliver it with ooey gooey sticky chocolate hands.

Julie {Angry Julie Monday} said...

Ugh, I swear I think we all have a neighbor like that.

I'm sorry.

jenn said...

The next time you see her outside, take both kids over and thank her profusely for wanting you to send the kids outside to play with her. So kind, so you run like hell for the house.

Oooh, better yet! But Big Kid a SNAKE for a pet, and send him over to show it to her.

Damn bitch. MYOB.

Anonymous said...

I like what so tired had to say. My thoughts exactly.

Maddness of Me said...

oh.... my.... god! they seriously told you to address them by Mrs??? WTF! I would have laughed and said "you have GOT to be kidding me".

Tell them you almost called a bomb squad for the unmarked package. You never can be too careful with all those wackos out there :)

My neighbor likes to get the leaf blower going at 10 at night. One of these days he is going to get a colonoscopy with it.

I feel for ya Allison.

Slacker Mama said...

Three words for you:

Egg. Their. House.

Anonymous said...

WTF? You live next to Cruella Deville.
BTW-I love your blog, Allison.

Mandy said...

I'm just here because AFRo sent me.