Thursday, March 27, 2008

Fucking A

I am just so sad. I have so much I want to say but I just feel so stunned and shattered.

Last night we scrounged up a Valium hidden for just such an occasion and split it, washing it down with a glass of wine (or two). I'm not kidding when I tell you that I momentarily thought of crushing that bitch up and snorting it. I'm also not kidding when I tell you that I will be making some calls and asking friends and family to check their medicine cabinets for me.

If someone offered me Electro-shock therapy today, I'd take it. Gratefully and thankfully.

But even numb and hazy, the whole thing was just horrific. And as the panic and horror and shock subsided, the reality hurts just as bad. Then I semi-forget for a moment when I'm distracted and it'll all come rushing back and I'm like, "Holy fuck. That really happened."

My cheeks burn from the constant stream of tears and Mr. Ashley's eyes are swollen shut from the crying. Big Kid seems to understand it logically and is very sad for us and Lily and knows not to push it at all today. little kid hasn't noticed yet, but surely he will wonder where his best buddy went. Our other dog Lily went from pacing and whining all last night to curled up motionless in a corner of our bedroom, not even lifting her head if you go in there.

It's all just really sad.

I cannot even tell you all how much your kind words and thoughts mean to my family though. I know it's the sort of thing where no one knows what to say and it probably doesn't seem like one more "I'm so sorry" will help, but it really means the world to me that so many people care. It's also the perfect send off for my sassy Miss Heidi Louise, who was an attention whore like her mama, and who had the type of personality whose passing deserves more than a mere mention.

I hope to be back with a proper eulogy at some point. I'm begging Mr. Ashley to change his voicemail to say there's been a death in the family and everyone else can go screw themselves.

Although I think we want to stay here in our weeping, silent trances, I think we should get out of here and maybe go down to the beach or something.

Anything but sitting here marveling over the fact that the absence of something that didn't even take up one cubic foot of space could make our home and hearts feel so empty right now.

26 comments:

pb&jtimes3 said...

oh Ashley, I have been through the unexpected loss of a pet, so I feel your pain. It's almost like you can't even take a deep breath without crying. Keep your head up. There are so many people thinking of you today.

caitlin said...

you and your family are being incredibly strong. the sun will shine again.

Anonymous said...

I read your post last night, and was crying. I am a sucker for animals. Take comfort in your DH's arms, and your kids sweet embraces. Nothing will stop the torrent of pain and images, but hang in there. Each day that passes will seem a little brighter.

Stace
(previously known as Itchy)

Anonymous said...

I am at work in tears after reading this. I can FEEL how much you loved her when reading this. I can only imagine how much she knew she was and still is loved.

Anonymous said...

Losing a family member is so hard. Heidi Louise was blessed to have such a wonderful family. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I hope in time your pain will ease and your memories of Heidi will bring smiles and laughter, instead of tears and sadness.

"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again"

Rest In Peace sweet Heidi Louise...

Dre the Texican said...

The sincerity of your love is so sweet. I'm so sorry for your loss and gladly share the burden of your sorrow. Dre

J said...

It will get better, in many ways, but I can still cry about my dog who died over three years ago, I don't think it ever totally goes away. It's amazing how even though they aren't people, a pets death can still be paralyzing. It's okay to just cry and cry and cry because it's really all you can do.

Jennifer said...

Ashley,

I have never commented on your blog because I am not the commenting type of person, but I read it faithfully. I really want to let you know that I will be praying for you and your family. The loss of a pet is just as hard as a person. Pets become our family just like our kids. Take your time to grieve and know that in time you will be better. Hugs to you and your family. You are all in my prayers.

Liz said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is a terrible thing because they really are a member of the family. I hope things get easier for you and you are left with many fond memories. I'll be thinking of your family during this most difficult of times.

GoodThingsComeInThrees said...

Oh Ashley, I can just feel the hurt in your post and my heart is so sad for you and the rest of the Ashley's. It's just such a painful experience because Heidi was a member of your family, probably as much as BK and LK, it'll be a long road to recovery (Hopefully a road spotted with Valium ;) )

I hope you can find some peace in all the happy memories your had with Heidi.

Jenn

Samantha said...

Ashley, I am so sorry about your dog. That really sucks. I have been there. Ugh, now I am tearing up at work. Anyway, sorry to hear it. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts today.

I'm Just Beachy said...

I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Author Unknown

Southern Fried Girl said...

I know this probably helps not a lick, but I know what you are going through and I know how hard it is. I'm so sorry.

PS - the answering machine thing makes total sense to me. I say do it.

*MN*Mommy*to*3* said...

My thoughts are with you and your family! I lost my first dog, a little beagle, to that pet food poisoning last year. It is so awful, especially when it is sudden and unexpected. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that I'm sure she is sniffing around doggie heaven finding any last crumb and running with her ears flapping in the breeze!

Take care,
Rachel

baby mama drama said...

My heart is just breaking for you and your family. I tried to read your post about Heidi to my sister, but got choked up and couldn't finish. I'm just so sad for you. :(

Anonymous said...

Very beautifully and powerfully written. This has brought tears to my eyes more than once today. Am looking forward to leaving work, retreating to the solace of rush hour traffic and having good sob/weep. My throat keeps clenching up when I think of losing an animal.
I am incredibly sorry that you and your family have to experience this. I pray that your pain subsides in time.
Linda

Alysia said...

I am so sorry Ashley. It is so hard to loose a pet, some people never realize how much a part of the family they truly are. I want to cry from remembering the loss of my dog because this happened to you. The pain is still there, almost three years later. Wait, that's not encouraging. I just mean to tell you that I understand and I am so sorry for you and your family. XOXO

Mitch said...

I cried for three days after we had to put our dog down, and now after 3 years, I still get a little misty eyed when I think of her. But I also have a lot of good memories and she still makes me laugh. I have empathy for you, and hope you are able to come to peace with this quickly.

Anonymous said...

This poem always comforts me (link below).
I am so sorry. I am so tender-hearted for animals too. I also know they go to heaven and that you will be reunited with Heidi Louise again someday.

http://www.wowzone.com/death.htm

Shannie said...

Just wanted to check in on you today... {{{HUGS}}} I've been thinking about you guys. :-(

Hadley said...

Ashley, go to the beach. Get the hell out of your house for as long as possible. It will help, I swear. Some people will say that you just have to move on with your lives, but when you love someone so much, it's all you can do to keep from becoming clinically depressed. You will feel better when you get back.
I'll be thinking of you and your family. It'll get a little easier every day that goes by.

Caffeine Court said...

I'm so sorry! As a pet owner who is obsessed with my dogs and cat, I totally understand what you are going through.

What a shock. Hang in there.

Curvaceous, said...

I am so sorry about Heidi. You are never prepared for things like this.

Anonymous said...

Ashley & Fam - I am so, so, sorry to hear about your loss. In December we unexpectedly and literally in 12 minutes time lost our beloved Sade, who was only 5 years old. It was the most horrific, heartwrenching ordeal. So unexpected, so abrupt, it was hard to even absorb. It'll get easier, but man, oh man, it sucks!

Maggii said...

Oh my...I am sooo sorry....{{{{{Ashley and family}}}}}}}}}}

Jamie said...

I'm so sorry, Ashley....