Saturday, March 1, 2008

Mom Life Crisis

So for Suds it Up Saturday, I ended up having to go through some of the boxes at the top of my closet.

I encountered my maternity clothes and instantly set them in the sell pile. Without a second thought. With a total certainty that I would never need them again.

Then I realized, "Hey! What? You're sure? I thought you weren't sure. I thought that's why we weren't motivated with those extra 10 lbs or desperate for that boob job just yet? I thought we might have a girl?

Then Realistic Ashley, who has been MIA for a while, appeared and said, "Come on, Ash. Come on. You are not a three child parent. You are a mom of boys. Time to redirect with a new Big Life Plan."

I winced for a moment with the harshness and absoluteness and thought about it realistically.

Ashley is a Planner. While looking at the Big Picture, which I try hard not to do lately, I know that there is no time in the next 5 years that I would PLAN to have a baby. I also have a gut feeling that the 5 years after that are unlikely too, for various reasons.

Do plans change? Heck yeah, all the time. So while there is still a % of a chance that I could end up with another baby, maybe even a girl, there seems to be a much larger % chance that it isn't going to, or most likely shouldn't, happen. The redirected Big Life Plan should probably reflect that.

I got all weepy at the realization. It will sound so silly, and I'll probably be embarrassed to have poured my heart out about this publicly later, but it's kind of like that lifelong dream of a daughter died right then as I folded up those hideous maternity clothes for the last time.

I have always pictured dance class and horseback riding lessons and a full head of curly hair to wind around my fingers. I've had the pink and green nursery with the pink chandelier planned before baby chandeliers were so in vogue. I've had a gorgeous framed and matted Tinkerbell sketch waiting for her since I was 17, now lying under my bed collecting dust.

That Disney snowglobe collection? Hers. That darling little dress with the embroidered bunnies on it that I bought in Turkey on our honeymoon? Hers. That tiny antique pink punchbowl with all of the glasses that my grandmother gave to me? Hers.

I've known her name would be Bailey since I was 12. It was my grandfather's name. Almost immediately after meeting Mr. Ashley I told him that his last name would be perfect with my future daughter's first name and he agreed. He thinks it was going to be Bailey Madison, but I've changed it to Bailey Amelia and was going to win at the last minute, despite his protests.

So the realization that there most likely will never be a Bailey hit me hard this morning.

My mom and I were talking about seeing "The Other Boleyn Girl"...who will go see chick flicks with me one day?

Who will go on girl weekends and trample around antique extravaganzas with me?

Who will treasure my wedding dress? So carefully preserved in it's cardboard coffin and taking up so much prime storage real estate for how many years.

What will happen to my old doll house? Collecting dust in the top of my parents' barn right now.

I believe in the whole "There's a reason for everything" philosophy. I believe there is some Grand Plan and I even get it, kind of. From everything from the home you choose to the friends you have, I think there's a Reason it went that way...it's just always a bummer when you realize your Big Life Plan and the Grand Plan are taking different forks in the road.

I am a great mom of boys. I've always been a guys' girl. I love all things male, even the dirt and the stink and the vulnerability and silliness that sometimes translates into stupidity/denseness. The same thing that makes me want to wring their necks touches a soft spot in my heart.

I am proud to have been the sole reason Mr. Ashley's last name will go on and there is some sort of pride over being the type of woman who produces boys. After all, I would have been prime Queen material, able to provide an heir and a spare.

And don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all of my heart and soul. I wouldn't even trade E-bull for that curly headed, twinkly eyed Bailey of my dreams. As I've typed this, he's climbed onto my lap for three of the heart melting, soul connecting hugs that only he can give. He is meant to be mine. Big Kid introduced me to motherhood and to the intense, uncontrolled, all consuming love of having a child and little kid lavishes me with a kind of love and connection and intensity that makes me feel like I've never been loved like that before.

They are meant to be my boys and I am meant to be their mom.

The Grand Plan may include hordes of curly headed, munchkin faced, twinkly eyed granddaughters that will invade my now quiet and clean home and cherish that little pink punchbowl and treasure that wedding dress and pose for gramma's camera with sassiness and glee.

Maybe it even includes unbelievably delightful Daughters in law...maybe with parents who live far away who are unavailable for holidays, who don't consider me to be a pain in the ass Mother in Law, greedy for time with her husband and children, meddlesome and inconvenient and one of life's burdens.

I feel like maybe one of God's concessions to my prior plans is this photography thing. I have tons of darling little girls, who I get to dress in tutus and push curls behind ears and put headbands on, that I get to play with for an hour and record images of for a lifetime.

I also had to reflect back on My Big Plan as of 5 years ago and realize, wow, things don't always go as planned. Actually...do they ever go as planned? This resulted in another valley of my morning crisis, this realization that for all of the right plans and the good intentions and the properly laid foundation...anything can happen.

Remember that I am a Planner. I got my real estate license at 18 and started a pretty successful career then and there. We bought a foreclosure on my 21st birthday and fixed it up and sold it at an awesome profit to build a home in an up and coming area value-wise with a Plan to sell it in 5 years and move on to the Dream Home I'd Raise My Children In.

I continued working various jobs, all real estate related, widening my knowledge and my network, until I knew everyone and had a highly paid job and held the highest certification and was highly sought after because of my gift for bullshitting and my ability to state my opinion and back it up all day long with data and debating tactics no one had energy to go up against.

I had more work than I could do, convinced Mr. Ashley to quit his career and do mine, and trained him so we could do double the business in one of the most quickly escalating real estate markets in the country.

Big Life Plan was Right On Track. While watching everyone Get Rich Quick...we finally decided to do so too. So at 26 I was the proud owner of Investment Property.

2 miles from the beach in one of the hottest real estate markets in the country? Researched and purchased by myself, An Expert? What could go wrong?

And now at 29 (still young, I know! still lots of time and lots of Plan Changes ahead...that's part of the fear) I am a neurotic stay at home mom, in one of the worst real estate markets in the country, with no Illustrious Career to return to and a Network of Professionals who are getting jobs at jewelry stores to pay the bills, with two highly mortgaged properties and an income that is suddenly uncertain and two boys with no Bailey in sight, folding up maternity clothes and putting them in stacks on the bed, next to the teeny tiny string bikinis and halter tops and ridiculously short skirts that I'll also never be wearing again.

Which got me thinking of the days my biggest responsibilities were deciding which bikini to wear on the boat and trying to keep track of my plastic red cup full of beer. When I was fun, pretty, outgoing, rising star Ashley with a Big Life Plan.

I feel like like I'm at a point of my life like when you are riding a rollercoaster, and you finally get to the top of that first peak, and after all of the anticipation and excitement and anxiousness to JUST GET THERE, you're finally at the top of the platform, for that one teetering second, and you realize that the elation has turned to uncertainty and the lack of control makes you feel scared and you know that the ride will be over with all too soon and you're not enjoying it like you planned.

And I know there will be more peaks (lots more!) and more valleys (lots more!) and more stomach turning crisis moments and more thrilling "hell yeah!" twists and turns...but it was a Big Moment, arriving at that platform this morning.

Depressing, huh?

Time for that beer.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ashley, that was beauitfully written. I almost teared up, and I am so not the cryer. I get what you are saying, Kind of a "if you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans" thing. I learned that lesson a long time ago. Just roll with it and enjoy the ride!!

so tired said...

I know how you feel about the third child question. I always feel like we are missing someone. And then I do the bills and I'm like, we can't afford the two we have. We don't belong having a third.

We both come from two kid families. I would really like to change that dynamic. But I am older than you. And now that the two I have are 7 and 5 I feel like we have waited too long.

About the girl. I knew I was going to have two boys and I was fine with that. We were so surprised to have #2 come out as a girl. I was just a little disappointed too.

But now I love having a girl. Aside from the occasional whining, she is so easy and cute. She really knows how to be cute and turn it on for both her Dad and me. She'll come in and lay something on us and we just look at each other and say "she's good."

She will tell me that I look pretty or that she likes my new coat. Nobody else is telling me that.

Anonymous said...

wow..amazing post, ashley. i needed to read that today and so, i thank you.

lisa said...

very touching read. you made me cry you b!#ch...

Jessica said...

Ashley,

I actually teared up reading this. It's one of those things I think only moms of all boys can understand. It's not that we don't love our boys we just long for that little girl. I have my third now and he's a great little guy. I have also decided that one day my DIL will be cursing me because they'll have all girls. HUGS though!

Anonymous said...

Wow. An amazing post. I feel like I am at the beginning - 25 and wondering when I want to have my first. I think I'll hold off for another 25!

Traci said...

Amen.

Kate said...

Please continue to remind yourself of the joy you will take in bonding with a future daughters-in-law, the women that will be a best friend to your boys. My mother-in-law is lovely, however I do feel as though the fact that she has two girls truly lessens her interest in bonding with myself.

The girls/women that befriend your sons are (and will be) lucky to have the opportunity to bond with you.

Cake said...

That was awesome, I don't even have any words. Just a little tear.

Ned said...

I don't comment as often as I should sorry! I also have 2 boys, when I found out #2 was a boy and NOT a girl I was heartbroken. It was the last pregnancy for us and it just made things final-you will never have a girl! But like you I wouldn't trade my boys, even though my #2 is the e-bull ones twin. Those life plans sometimes don't work out as we plan but it makes us stronger.

Anonymous said...

It's not depressing, it's how MANY, if not all, of us feel. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Jamie said...

What a touching post. You are so gifted with your words.

I'd totally join you on that beer thing if it weren't for a) I'm pregnant, and b) I don't like beer. :)

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while, and it is always entertaining, and sometimes it even makes me *actually* laugh out loud (like those asteriks?). This entry, however, did not make me laugh. It made me reflect, and nod my head in understanding, and admire you for your writing ability and also for being able to put such thoughts on to figurative paper so beautifully and then share them with us. Thank you.

Joy said...

You have never made me tear up other than from laughter. That was so beautifully written, you always seem to have a way with words, no matter what those words might be.

I too struggle with the thought of #3 I always said "no way" but the thought of never being pregnant again, never holding that newborn again, never getting to pull out all those sweet tee tiny outfits again really makes me sad. But more and more it looks like that will be the case.

I do consider myself lucky to have both a boy and a girl. I love that I will forever have a momma's boy I love having a son even if he is quickly turning into a stinky big boy. I also love that my husband will hopefully have a wonderful daddy/daughter relationship that I have with my dad. I can't wait to plan her wedding with her, hold her newborn and do all the great things I never got to share with my mom. I plan to always have a great relationship with my daughter and be the mom & grandmother mine could not and will not be.

QueenMother said...

Oh Ash-I am so sorry that you had to mourn the "what if" today. When I found out the lawyer was a boy on the sonogram-I cried for two days including bursting into tears in a boutique where I had hoped to buy yards of leopard, maribou and tulle.

Here's the deal-we went for a third, and by that time-I didn't really want a girl to mess up our dynamic. I was so happy with two boys that I didn't want to trade in the soccer games for ballet (not saying boys can't take ballet-but seriously).

Anyhoo-I know where you are coming from. I had to give away some girl outfits that I had bought before I was ever pregnant with the lawyer. I still have all my Feldman dresses from when I was little.

I had to stop at three-and it was a good stop because I felt like our family was complete. But sometimes I do wonder.."What if" as well.

Much love to you!

simply.mom said...

what an awesome post. Very close to home for me, as well.

Do you have a book deal yet?!?

Anonymous said...

That was a beautiful post! Seriously, you NEED to strike a book deal! I would SOOO buy it and then it would become a movie. You are so gifted. My MIL is a mother of 2 boys. I think she felt many of the same things that you do. She is VERY close to me...she enjoys having a "daughter" in her life....being able to shop for/with one, talk girl talk, etc. I also have a daughter and she showers her with love, affection, and little girl things. Your time will come. God does have those grand plans for you. Hang in there and PLEASE keep writing b/c you're keeping us all entertained and in check! Seriously, get a book deal!!!

Lori said...

I have been following you for quite a while, but this is my virgin comment ;)

Beautiful post. Great post. Honest post.

I am a huge believer in fate, as well. The Grand Plan does not ask, it demands that we follow it. If you are meant to have more kids, including girls, you will. If not, you won't. I don't believe you have a choice in the matter.

I had three kids and my youngest died almost a year ago now when he was 9 months old. For the first six months, I felt like I needed another one NOW. That I couldn't bear to be without three. That seemed to be my *magic* number. Then my grandpa died 6 months later and I decided I needed as many as I could get. I have still yet to have another and I have also lost some of the urgency that I had following Kruex's death. l

I suppose these days, I'm just glad that I got to know him for a little while as he was a little piece of heaven.

Albuquerque Realtor said...

I can totally relate to not knowing if you want another child. I have 2 right now, myself and I debate constantly over whether to have another. They are so darn cute, but so much work!

Renee said...

That was really touching. Thanks for sharing.

Ashley said...

Oh Lori, now you've really got me a mess.

Yes he was yours and he was here for a Reason, for sure. God, that's just devastation. You are a stronger woman than I.

Thank you for your comment and for sharing with me, I am truly touched by it.

Thanks for everyone and your kind words, they seriously mean a lot to me on this one.

I know all in all, I have a great life. Even if it's not the one I Planned. ;-)

and I'm blessed to have you all and to be able to get this all out this way sometimes.

So thanks for being supportive of my un-funny stuff too.

Renee said...

Oops - I sent that before I intended to. I wanted to add that I think we all know how tough it can be to realize that the Grand Plan doesn't line up with the Big Life Plan we crafted for ourselves. I'm sorry you're experiencing one of those "valley" days. I think there are lots of great things in store for you in the next 5 years. :) And your boys are so lucky to have each other.

-The Renee

TheKeepersMom said...

From a mom with 2 girls & no hopes for a third boy.
Think how it is to have a girl with no interst in girl things? TheToddler screams when she has a dress on with pretty shoes.
TheTeenager? well, she plays soccer. All the time. She has a soccer ball with her always. She wears big "hoodie" sweatshirts & slides..
Just a word from the otherside. The grass is just as green. There are no ballet or tap shoes here. No pretty pigtails with bows. =)

Anonymous said...

I don't have kids yet, and I am older than you, but I am stuggling with my Life Plan too. It seeems like no matter what fork I take--because I've recently branched to another one after I hit a dead-end in the career track--that I'm hit with obstacle after obstacle. Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can't ONE thing be easy? Anyway, all this to say, it was good to read this and see that other people sometimes feel like life is completely out of their control too.
You are an amazing writer. Thanks for sharing.

Sally said...

Please consider submitting this to Wondertime or Parenting magazine.

The post was eloquent, well written and touching. Few writers can evoke that kind of emotion in their readers. Hell I'm going to write Wondertime and demand they hire you.

Anonymous said...

Even if life changes, would you really wear those same maternity clothes in five years??? Just a thought from a mom of three. I have two girls and now a little boy....

Catfish said...

I think, like you said, you are a great mother of boys, and if there are 3 boys, you'll love him just as much as the first 2...maybe he'll end up being a girl...and that would be great too. *hug* (I wish I was in town, I'd come over with some solo cups and a Heini)

Migraine Mom said...

Very well written and although I do have a boy and a girl, I feel you on the third child thing. I'm 35 though, so I definitely know a third isn't in the cards. I love my life too but sometimes still wonder what if? Thank you for putting into words, how I feel..I think as we get older we begin to realize that we really don't know what God has in stor for us...we just need to enjoy the ride while we can.

Anonymous said...

As a mom of three boys, you expressed exactly what I feel on those "low" days. The thing I fear the most is being alone on holidays when the boys are with their wives families. When I get down about it I just determine all the more to be a great MIL. Here's to granddaughters!!

You are a beautiful writer!!

Trisha

Anonymous said...

It's hard to be sympathetic when you're pining for girl, and I'm pining for a healthy baby. Most days I'm over it, but I still enjoy parenting blogs and stories, it helps me relate to my friends with kids.

I'd have given anything to have even 1 child, boy or girl. I won't ever have any children.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I loved this post Ashley. It rang so true, all of it. But especially as the mother of 3 boyz.

My girl was to have been Lydia.

Ashley said...

It's also hard to be sympathetic for people incapable of thinking outside of their own situation, even for a moment.

Anonymous, you should've been able to relate to this post then, since it's more about the death of a dream, and life not turning out "as planned" than it is the gender of the next child I won't have.

Wrong place, wrong time, wrong mindset.

malissa said...

Ashley, I have never commented, but have to tell you that you are awesome. You crack me up everyday. I too have two boys, both of them E Bullish. There is no way I can dare go for a third E Bull, no matter how much I wish for a little Shirley Temple. It would kill me. Anyway, I know how you are feeling. You write wonderfully. Also, not that this will make you feel better or anything, but my friend named her daughter Bailey, and now all she hears is "Oh, I had/have a dog named Bailey". She wants to smack people. She named her from Bailey on the show Party of Five.
Keep up the good work Ashley!

Barb McMahon said...

Ashley - this was a lovely post.

I, too, wanted children, but wasn't able to. I've discovered the joys of being an Auntie and it's the best gig on earth!

Mourning your lost dreams is essential. And when you're ready, I hope you'll find a niece or honourary-niece to shower all that love and girliness on.

As for the roller-coaster? It's the best! And the worst! But it's life and it's real and I, for one, wouldn't have it any other way.

And I've been riding the thing for forty-six years!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I'll keep reading!

Shannie said...

Ashley, I love, love, love this post.

And not that Ashley needs anyone to stick up for her, I just had to say something here...

Anonymous, I have two ivf babies, very hard work and it was an extreme emotional rollercoaster, etc..., so I've been there in your shoes, sort of. However, I never, in a million years, would have taken Ashley's entry the way you did. It was beautifully written and very touching. You really did miss the point.

I heart you, Ashley. {{{hugs}}}

Julie in NJ said...

Ashley - I think we've all been there at some point, but we arrive at different times and different ways.

Regarding having a gal-pal - I just lost my mother-in-law of 15 years to lung cancer (in October). I still wake up every day and miss her horribly, I touch her picture every morning and talk about her to my kids every day. She single handedly taught me how, by example, to be a mom. She is the mother of two wonderful sons, and no daughters.

I come from a dysfunctional family, and my mom is wack. I love her because she is my mom, but there is no tenderness there. She is toxic and I see her and let her be in the kids lives simply out of guilt/responsibility and because it makes her happy.

My MIL has been the most gracious, wonderful, kind, non-judgemental woman I have ever met. She raised a wonderful son, and I hope that I can be 1/1000th of the mother she was. But we have spent endless hours drinking tea and talking, antiquing, going to ridiculous art and crafts fairs, movies, discussing books. Talking of our pasts, our futures, our hopes and fears. I hope that in my time with her, I somehow filled the space in her heart that like you, was maybe reserved for a special little girl. Because I can tell you, she certainly filled the spot in mine that needed a mom to love me unconditionally.

Her greatest joy was her grandchildren, and most specifically, her grand-daughters. Each of her sons had boys, but each of her sons also gave her a grandaughter.

Chin up, Ashley. Maybe Bailey's spirit will come to you could never have planned. (((hugs))) to you, sister.

Curvaceous, said...

I completely understand what you are saying. I had one child and had to stop for health reasons. Every time I see a baby, it all comes rushing back. But I'm lucky enough to have had one son and I'm tremendously lucky enough to be raising my husbands two children as well. They may not be "mine" biologically, but I love them just the same.

Mom Of 3 said...

What a heart touching post. I am a mom of 3, after I had my second girl, I was really on the fence about a third one. In Nov of 2005 a year after my second was born, I decided to get an IUD out in. Well I had to wait to start my period to get it done. And that just never happened. I had my third child a little boy in 2006. I decided that was God's was of telling me that I needed my little boy and I was done. I had my tubes tied after G came along. I knew I was done. I think you will know when it feels right to truly be done. Just follow your heart. It will all work out in the end.

hotchickenbakooti said...

Holy crap Ashley. I sent this to my husband...I was on the fence too about having another one. (We have 2 boys). I kept trying to explain why I wanted that little girl. He would say, "But we have 2 great kids!" I always told him that he now has what he had growing up...and I don't. BUT. like you said, I am a mom for boys. Best friends from high school? Dudes. Best friend from college? I married him. But....I cried when I took down my little one's baby bed. And then I called a plastic surgeon. New boobs on Thursday. :)

Anonymous said...

ooooh, now I know we are walking parellel paths on the East coast--(I'm just a few, ok a lot of, states north of you)
Was feeling pretty much the same exact way on the same exact day as you. Thanks for putting it into words. Touching and very well-written. A+

Angry Julie said...

I can totally relate with you, Ashley.

I still dream of my little Tabitha Jayne...

But alas, I have Angry Toddler, whom is perfect. I soo desired for a girl, but after I had a boy, I knew, I was meant to be a boy mom.

Anonymous said...

Ashley,
Your words hit so close to home, I am having a physical reaction to it.

Your words will echo in my mind all day. Thanks!

KatieGirlBlue said...

Wow. I can't believe you're only 29. Please don't get riled up, anyone, I've never seen a photo of Ashley, so I am NOT saying that I thought you were older based on looks, No. I thought you were older because you're so freaking wise! Holy shit, you can hold it all together better than most 40 year olds I know. And I know that age doesn't account for everything, but seriously, you rock.

laurenpopp said...

From the other side. I have two adorable little girls that are always ready to play dress up and are true girlie girls. Heck, the older one insists on wearing dresses everyday. But my heart aches for that little boy. See I am the oldest of 4 girls, and I have only one cousin that is a girl also. I know that my sanity could not handle another child, especially a rambuncious boy. I keep telling myself that when my oldest in kindergarden that I would consider another. But I am not making any plans. So I guess what I am trying to say is that some of us Mom's out here are also yerning for that E Bull one. By the way all my maternity clothes are sitting in a box upstairs and I lone them out. That way *if* I were ever to need them, I can get my hands on them.

Anonymous said...

O.M.G~ Ok, first off I found your blog a couple of days ago & I'm addicted!!! I've spent HOURS playing catch up on previous posts. Based on how many you post per day, it looks like I'll never be finished, lol. You are AWESOME!

Well, onto the topic. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK yOU! After reading all your posts,I'd never commented. They're all great, but this one just touched my heart enourmously!

YOU are me!!! (except the opposite ( I have girls) and except for the investment properties, although I'd like it if we had that in common too) So ok, I might not be your long lost twin, but our stories are similar.

I'm 29, happily married, & momma of 2 great girls... always been planning to go for the 3rd, which of course in my "plan" is a boy. Hubby wanted 'him' right away after our 2nd daughter was born, but hey, I was only 20... too soon & too young for a 3rd child!!! (can u say sex maniac?) Plus I wanted to ENJOY my girls a bit more. I promised hubby when the baby turned 5 we'd try for the boy. All I asked for was time with my girls. Well, guess what? She's 7. NO.BOY.YET.
Why? As you know from experience, things don't always go as planned. Now mind you, I don't like to break promises, although that's what they're made for, to be broken, but this was a very big deal for hubby so when baby turned 5, I turned to look at him & basically said go for it. I promised you & if you really want 'him' then rock my world baby! BUT be aware that if you do, I'll get sick as a dog like with my previous pregnancies which will inevitably mean that I'll have to quit my decent paying job, and then YOU and ONLY YOU will have to work long and hard hours to feed 4 people, pay the rent, pay the car, pay private school for our 2 girls that I currently pay for with MY job, PLUS buy clothes for a 3rd child. And of course BESIDES the $$$ issue, you'll also have to help with housework, cooking, grocery shopping, kid's homework, etc. because remember, when I get pregnant I throw up EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. NAUSEA.EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. DIZZINESS.HEADACHES.VOMITING.BITCHINESS.EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
Are you up for that??? And don't think once the pregnancy is over that I'll go bk to work because I have to stay home with the baby for at least 3 years like with the older 2. Are you willing to be the sole provider of a 5 person household for the next 4 years???????
I think that scared him straight & he's very careful not to get me prego. But the worst thing is that just like him, I WANT a baby boy sooooooooo bad too!!! However, I'm sensible & realize that everything I told him is the truth. The moment's just not right. For all those reasons & more. (for example & just off the top of my head. I want to take my girls on that disney cruise to the Bahamas & they're at THE.PERFECT.AGE. That definitely can't be done if you have a baby, at least not when u want to have fun) And unfortunatley, I really don't see the timing being right anytime in the near future. Although I've tried to kid myself & say my deadline is 30. I tell myself I MUST go for it before then, but...

I'm 28, getting to that oh so crucial point in my life (30! yikes) and I too am coming into that realization that the loved boy (named after his father & grandfather in my head for over 7 years) seems much farther away from me than what I imagined, being that he should actually already be around 3 yrs old according to out original plans, yet he's nowhere in sight. And to tell you the truth, I'm not completely sure he's in our future either. But I just can't imagine being DONE having kids, yet I can't afford more! I can't imagine not having my baby boy!!! I yearn for him so. With matching daddy/son outfits.... Yet a momma's boy. But only God really know if that will ever be.

So as you can see, I can totally relate to you oh so well... =( Just know, you're not alone. And I thank you for your post. You described EXACTLY how I feel. It's good to know that I'm not alone either. Not that I wish my same sufferings/problems unto others, but I think you understand what I'm trying to say. And that my friend, is why I posted today... (sorry it was one heck of a long comment)

Your new admirer,
Solei