Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Family Entertainment

So my mom was down at grandpa's place the other day, assisting in the entertainment of our out of town family.

Their plans for the evening included reviewing old home movies that would have grandma in them. She quickly searched through her videos before leaving and found one that had grandma's handwriting on it and said "Our Journeys 1987" (or something like that, don't quote me on it).

While visiting with my uncle, his wife, and my grandpa, she pops the tape into the VCR, hits play...and sees PORN.

Someone (*cough* my dad *cough*) taped porn over a home movie.

(And yeah, just typing the words "dad, mom, grandpa, uncle, wife, home movie and porn" together in the same post is enough to make me need therapy.)

First off, my mom is a total prude, (sorry mom), my grandpa is like 100 years old (probably 87ish, but still) and my uncle and his wife are my uncle and his wife.

I guess everyone shrieked and squealed and OMGed while my mom scrambled to hit eject, and my grandpa joked that he'd be happy to store the movie at his place.

(freaking barf...the things I do for you all...)

My mom was a surprisingly good sport about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there was hell to pay when she got home, but when she called me on her way there she was laughing hysterically.

I think it was the sort of laugh that you do at church or at funerals or in otherwise inappropriate places if you are a jackass like myself, or maybe when you're so beyond embarrassed all you can do is laugh.

And now I've shared it with the world. (sorry mom)

It reminded me of last Thanksgiving while we were at Mr. Ashley's parents' house. My laptop was set up on a stool near the couch, where I had put it down after downloading some photos.

I have it set up so that my screen saver is random photos from my hard drive. So I'm sitting there in their little family room with 16 year old SIL, her boyfriend, FIL, SMIL, SIL's bestfriend and both of her parents...and I look over and see Catfish and Trailer Trash Barbie pole dancing.

I can't say that I was subtle in my rush to dash across the room and hit a key, any key, to make it stop, and of course my bizarre behavior drew even more attention to the situation (which SIL's boyfriend was already definitely tuned into), and created all kinds of curiosity that couldn't be answered in a fully respectable, lady like manner.

(there was hairless pussy on my computer screen, people)

SMIL is not exactly the type to appreciate a bald beaver pole dancing slideshow in her family room on Thanksgiving, so it was a little awkward. Sorry 'bout that.

Speaking of awkward, there are photos of me in wedding lingerie...somewhere.

Catfish took some pics of me in my veil and corset and thigh highs, I gave them to Mr. Ashley, and he decided to hide them in a book.

He just doesn't know which book.

And I practically collect books.

Once I lent his friend Harry Potter and there were several moments of complete panic and murderous thoughts until he called his friend and told him to shake out the book and that he'd kill him if he looked at anything that fell out...and luckily nothing fell out.

But Harry Potter???

He might have hidden it in a kid's book??

So it could be anywhere?

That's a potentially awkward moment right there. There's something to look forward to.

At least I looked really hot.


Anonymous said...

I found my parents' porn once. I'm scarred for life. At least you weren't there to witness it.

Deb said...

Ohh... I clearly have some catching up to do, because I missed the entire hairless pussy bit.

I hope you're a grandmother when those photos finally shake loose. Because when you're a granny, you can get away with ANYTHING, and who doesn't want to be reminded of how hot they were when they're that old?

KatieGirlBlue said...

Hhmmm...maybe he put it in Annais Nin? Or Lolita? Like, maybe he thought about it and put them in a sexy book rather than just shoving them anywhere?

Or maybe not. I've found some bizarre shit in my honey's books. It's like they think they're lockers or something.

Melodie said...

Your mom is a saint if she doesn't completely throttle your dad, which is what I would do if my husband had done that. Of course, if I found porn on a video tape with MY mother's handwriting on it, everyone would just assume that it was my mother's porn, 'cause she's like that!

Judy said...


Mel said...

You just reminded me that I have some pictures my husband took of me on our wedding day. And no, I didn't have on my wedding dress. And I don't know where they are. CRAP!!

Anonymous said...

That story made me laugh so hard.

Glad you choked through the barf to tell us...sorry it's now burned into your mind.

Life, Love And Lola said...

Maybe Carmen The Library Nazi has those pictures. You may want to give her a call!!

Anonymous said...

Goodness that was too funny! I would be crazy over the pictures in the book too. Better watch those garage sales! :)

Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT! I can't believe it...your poor mom. GOD! OH I have my screen saver set up the same way and every once in awhile *those* pictures pop up...always a thrill!
PS-why am I always mentioned in scandals? just sayin'

Ned said...

One of my friends recently had a sleepover for a few of her daughters friends. (ages 6&7) One child brought a DVD for the girls to watch, some recent new release. Problem was the parents porn somehow made it into the box....my friend walked in to the playroom with the kids staring...and screaming...

Hillary Jordan said...

Mr. Ashley probably hid those pics in one of the library books that you actually returned! That would be just your luck!!! And would make for a great story.

sunny-daze said...

Ashley, those pictures weren't in any of the books you sold in the garage sale, were they? You know the ones the old man didn't want to buy for 75 cents or 4 for $2. Maybe had he known there could be some hot photos in them he wouldn't have complained about the price.

Anonymous said...

LOL!! I absolutely love it! My MIL popped in a video of a movie once and it was porn taped over the movie. She quickly turned it off and said the her x, dh must have done it...yeah, yeah! I also love your story about the bald beaver!!! You've got some wild friends (and you as the photog). Thanks for giving us a good laugh!!

Slacker Mama said...

That is just too funny. In a "I'm so glad that it wasn't my parents sort of way.

I would like to go on the record that, in addition to The Renee starting a blog, I would like Catfish to start one as well.

Jen said...

Love love love love this post.

OMG. I seriously don't even have words for what I would do to myself if I ever witnessed my parents on camera. Ugh. Shoving a pen in my eye would be on the top of the list for sure.


Anonymous said...

Now that is some funny shit! LOL!

Mitch said...

Same thing happened to me in high school (except I was wearing a bikini, not lingerie, and I had no boobs because I was all of 15, but still smokin in that bikini). My boyfriend who was a year ahead of me had the picture and stuck it in one of his text books, forgot about it and turned the book in at the end of the year. Fast forward to the next year, and I'm sitting in Geometry class. Next thing I know my bikini pic is being passed around! Some poor unsuspecting zit infested boy found my picture in his geometry book! I about died.

Wish I looked that good in a bikini today!

Anonymous said...

hahahaahahahahahahah! i bet they got sold in the garage sale too.

yeah, i've walked in on my parents. as an adult. on a saturday morning. so not cool.

Lisa said...

Great post! And the comments are almost as funny :-)

Sorry about the porn, though.

Joy said...

That is freaking hillarious!

I can't wait to hear to story of how those pics are found

Tina said...

Ok, seriously...this is some funny shit! Probably the funniest post from you in like um forever.


Anonymous said...

PS-Slacker Mamma, you do not want me to write a blog, ask Ashley, I can't write for shit. Or spell. It would be a horrible translation of sorts because I write like I talk which is random. xo CF