Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Troll Profiling

Many of you are upset by the recent uprising of trolls in the closet.

I have gotten emails, phone calls and comments, "Who would do that?", "Why?!", "Doesn't it upset you?"

Since I am familiar with this phenomenon (we've done this before a few times), let me try to shed some light on it for all of you who are new to people like this.

First off, it's highly unlikely that the the "autistic" anonyhole, "Uracist" anonyhole and the "Don't make fun of gun-toting dead old guys" anonyhole aren't one and the same. Let's face it, I am offensive on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. Yet the anonymous troll comments always come in spurts.

This is because your average troll cannot stay away. Even if they just absolutely despise me and think every word that falls from my keyboard is completely uninteresting and idiotic, for some reason, they feel compelled to read and respond to it.

I have experience with these people. I watch a lot of crime television, I also do a lot of internet surfing. I do a lot of people watching and a lot of Judging/Opinion Forming. Also, I'm Gifted and practically a genius (and I only say practically because I'm humble too.)

Based on these facts, I think we can all agree that I'm qualified to develop a Troll Profile, much like the FBI does with serial killers. In doing so, I hope to allay some of your fears and help you to understand our mentally and socially challenged frienemies.

Your average troll is:

-Super lonely. They are as inept in the online world as they are in real life. So when they go onto bulletin boards or blogs where people are forming relationships and enjoying each other's company, they feel jealous. Instead of trying to muster up some wit and charm and jump in and enjoy the fun, they just try to ruin the fun for everyone else. Which brings us to our next point:

-Not very smart. Now obviously normal people who are having fun together, exchanging ideas, laughing and getting to know each other aren't all going to dissemble and walk away sad when some freak bursts into the room and screams "YOU SUCK"...instead they look around in shock, choke back the giggles until eventually someone says, "What the fuck was that?" and everyone bursts out laughing at the ridiculousness of the person who made the spectacle.

Also, 99.9% of the time they think that they have a point...unfortunately, the point they have was formed with their lonely, unintelligent, anti-social mind, which means that chances are they either have a reading comprehension problem or are too narrow minded to understand sarcasm/intent/the bigger picture. If, by some fluke, they may have had a point, their presentation of said point will totally kill it. Once again, not smart enough to make people understand.

-They are unattractive. Obviously, this goes hand in hand with their inability to succeed socially in real life, because their unattractive exterior has hurt their self esteem and makes them want to put others down to feel better. It also makes them really look hard for flaws in people that appear to be attractive inside and out and they suffer the delusion that if they point out those flaws that other people will stop liking the attractive popular person...when really it just makes them look even uglier. I'd also feel confident in saying that at least 95% of them are overweight.

-They are delusional. First off, they will only see things how they want to see them, even if someone does point out that they've entirely missed the point of the topic at hand. Secondly, there are some delusions of grandeur, because they think that anyone cares for their opinion and/or that their opinion will change anything.

-They thought their kids would be cuter. Now let me start off by saying that, all kids are cute. Just not on the outside. We've all seen those kids that look like weasels, with their eyes too close together and their pointy noses. We've all seen those kids that are nothing but average, if even.

Now combine all of their above issues with signing on to parenting forums or blogs and seeing people with truly Exceptional kids....it just kills them. They can't not lash out at the unfairness of not even getting a kid they could relive their desolate, acne filled highschool years through.

So this is why we get so many assholes in the closet.

They love to try to save the world by slaughtering Ashley the Politically Incorrect Giant, yet are too ignorant to see that Ashley's actually making fun of the division that Political Correctness is creating.

Ashley loves gay people, black people, rednecks, old people, fat people, young people, spanish people, republicans, liberals, jews, mormons, catholics, baptists, pro choicers, pro lifers, ugly people, gun toting people, muslims, texans, everyone.

But Ashley doesn't automatically love you and all of your qualities just BECAUSE you're different.

People are fascinating. We're all different for different reasons. As long as the message isn't one of hate, it's oppressive and unhealthy to forbid people to notice human differences.

Some of our trolls also love to insult my parenting. Why they think I care, I have no idea. I put it all out there for you to read, trust me when I say I know some of you won't approve.

In fact, let me leave an open offer right here and now...if you think you can do better, PLEASE come be my nanny. We're not all the A+ lovin' every poop filled moment of it parents that we're expected to be. Maybe the Perfect ones can volunteer their services (other than anonymous blog comments) to those of us who just aren't doing it right.

So, once again, I've spent way more time on this than I intended, but there's been a lot of "whys" and some anger and I thought I could help with that.

So in summary, the why is because their life sucks. Then they come here and see us all having fun together, and read about my great hair and how I'm almost a size 6 again, and see that my kids are truly Exceptional, inside and out, and that so many love me despite my political incorrectness--and they just can't not try to pee on our parade.

Plus, sometimes they get 15 seconds of fame as a result of their attempt at peeing on us. A lot of them are Britney-ish that way, they want to be famous even if they're only famous for being totally mentally incapacitated with no medical excuse. Any attention is good attention when you are Alone.

So have no fear, dear readers. They can't hurt us, they only amuse us. In the beginning it used to be a little shocking that someone could dislike me so much and invest energy into that dislike, but these days it doesn't even give me pause, I'm just glad for another amusement to distract you all with.

And if you're getting trollish comments on your own blog...you've made it! Something you've written has affected someone! There's a good chance someone out there is jealous and stalking you! Even if they're hating every word...they're reading it.

So don't take it personally, just feel sorry for them and their weasel faced kids.

and yes, Carol Lee really DOES have a card for everything. So don't forget to check her out at www.junkmailgreetings.com and her Etsy shop, she has some seriously funny shit. We know I'm biased but I don't even have to be, some of it will seriously make you LOL and you know you have someone who deserves one.



I love how you set Texans apart...like we're some other kind of person. Oh, wait a minute...we are! ;)

I love those cards, I sent an e-card from her site to my friend who just turned 30. Her stuff is too funny.

KatBouska said...

Will you marry me?

Amy said...

Point number 2 has me LMAO!!

We love Ashley!!

Maddness of Me said...

You don't seriously love republicans do you?


Julie said...

You are MY girl crush!! Keep it coming...I love it ALL! I got a friend of mine with a cute little store to carry the junkmail greeting cards! She loves them and also had a great covo with Carol Lee on the phone!

Elizabeth said...

OMG you crack me up.

Well said, girl. Well said.

And yes, her cards are fantastic.

I tried to comment on the hater post and Blogger ate it at the time and I was pissed. She is a whore.

Snooty Primadona said...

Send those trolls over to me, as I would very much enjoy ripping them a whole new asshole. Never fuck with a menopausal woman.... but you're most welcome to send them my way. There are some days I just need to rip into an idiot or an asshole, you know, to make myself feel better, LOL! Whatever. :-)

Life, Love And Lola said...

If you can let it go...so can I. Here's to "Anonymous Fucktards" giving you more funny shit to write about. Cheers to you FUCKTARDS. I'll drink to that! :)

Anonymous said...

I heart you so much it hurts. Now, see, THAT'S why you are my blog idol. Seriously. :-)

Anonymous said...

You make me jealous. I've never received a hate comment!! Maybe I'll go leave one for myself right now! LOL!!! They're entertaining at the least!!

~Liz said...

That's a good attitude to have, Ashley!

Trolls freak me out a bit.

Evil trolls really freak me out.

And, anonymous, evil trolls would send me screaming into the night.

I could never put my blog out there like you do.


Kristi said...

What the hell Ashley?? Don't the trolls realize that you're smart, gorgeous and NORMAL parents realize that every now and then their kids are little shits and us mom's need a good buzz?? What next, the trolls are going to ruin everything for me.

PS--I think you're my new girl crush and is it ok to drink when it's not "the day"?? lol


Anonymous said...

Holy cow! I'm LOL about Snooty Primadona!! That women's got sass that I love!

Anonymous said...

Love the post, you and the closet!

And the cards, OMG, she needs to partner with poopsender.com! AND she takes custom requests!

Kate said...

LMAO - I've never received a "troll" comment on my blog and believe me, I beg for comments. I'm pretty sure its because I'm so freaking offensive that I make even the trolls curl up in the fetal position!

Big Smooches to you Ashley - I know I've been sucking with comments lately but between work and some personal stuff....BLAH.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that was great that you added "Texans" to the list. What have we ever done to deserve that? I would love that back story. Ha!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm..the blogger doth protest too much.. so many words to explain your weak position. why explain at all? and a troll? ha ha! go on kidding yourself. any comment that dares to expose you for the big mouthed charlatan that you are scares the gall out of you.....i'm sure you won't be able to contain yourself from publicly rationalizing your way out of this comment. That's what you do best - rationalize your tired agenda..you can't help yourself...the narcissist wants to see and hear more of herself...boring.

Unknown said...

and yet you cannot stay away...

even though no one really wants to see or hear more of you, which is of course your problem in the first place.

Mandy Mae said...

Thanks for throwing "Texans" into the laundry list! I love that we folks are a "category"!

Anonymous said...

Leaving anonymous comments on a blog to call someone's kids retards = troll.

Ashley the rest of us want to see and hear more of your narcisstic self! Your right that they just can't stay away.

Anonymous said...

oh and they're probably pizzed because they realize their kids are weasel faced. LOL!

Chasing Smiles Photography said...

Plus, sometimes they get 15 seconds of fame as a result of their attempt at peeing on us. A lot of them are Britney-ish that way, they want to be famous even if they're only famous for being totally retarded with no medical excuse. Any attention is good attention when you are Alone.

This is my absolute favorite paragraph. I had to give special attention to this line..."being totally retarded with no medical excuse." I come in contact with so many people like this everyday that that one line had me laughing so hard I almost pissed myself. Love it!!

Mac said...

YOU are absolutely fing hilarious. This post had me giggling from the beginning. Keep up the good and honest writing about your life - it's more refreshing than I can say.

Anonymous said...

Oh Ashley + Closet folk: I heart you.

And I MUST have some Oh Snap! cards. Do you know how many times a day I say that to my coworkers (well, the ones I like)?

You are a hoot. Thanks for making my morning...

Joy said...

You know I luv you and may have to declare you as my girl crush!

I just want to lmao every time I see one of the haters leaving a anon comment, seriously? Shouldn't they be worried about being the perfectly pollitically correct parent?

I have told you this a 1000 times I luv you because you are so truthful and put it all out there on the line. You add so much humor to the ho hum daily life of a SAHM.

Not sure about the Nanny idea she is probably a wack job that you would never want near the oh so adorable kids.

Nikki said...

Size 6? BITCH!!! Just kidding!

I'm coming out of lurkdom to post and say I HEART YOU!!

Great post :D

Anonymous said...

Loverly. I just spent way too much cashola on cards. TOO flocking hilarious for words. Thanks for showing me the light...

Mamahut said...

Your anonyhole sounds like a real loser! I have been gone for day's, I just spent the better part of an hour laughing till it hurt.

P.S. Who uses the word doth? I think your right about the crack mom. C-ya