Saturday, April 12, 2008

Questions I've Been Meaning to Answer-Updated

1. Can you explain how to watermark a picture?

It depends on what editing program you use. But basically you just type words (do not copy, www.whatever.com, etc) on to the picture and then reduce the opacity, or on photoshop I use a dark gray font and change that layer to "screen". I don't really know what that means, but that's what I do.

2. How do you keep your feet flip flop friendly?

I don't. I wish I could answer that differently. During my pregnancies, I tried to get pedicures every two weeks or so, because something deserved to be pretty dammit. But now I'm poor and not knocked up and haven't had a pedicure since Catfish treated me to one in December.

When I had the flu recently, and I was a little bit delirious, I kept rubbing my feet around in the sheets and I was convinced I was growing hooves. I wanted to beg Mr. Ashley to slather my feet in body butter and put some socks on me, but was too exhausted to deal with explaining. I also wanted to get up and post about my feet turned hooves dilemma, but again, too sick. Sorry you missed it.

The other day out of desperation I used some thing my mom got me, I think it was called a Micro Planer or something (I bet she got it on QVC), and it actually did a really good job. I bet it works similarly to the ped-egg, but it scaled back the hoof parts and didn't seem dangerous or scary like those things the manicuring people try to bleed you with.

Mr. Ashley would love if I would paint my toenails more often...and I would love if he would surprise me with presents and tell me I'm pretty at least 3 times a day. So you can't always get what you want. I think routine pedicures would drastically improve morale around here, but he doesn't see that as a necessity.

So basically, my plan of attack with flip flops is to just hope that most people are too nearsighted or distracted to see my toes with any detail. Good plan, huh?

3. Someone asked (a long time ago) if I'm coming to Savannah in May and if I've been there before:

Yes and yes! OMG, I freakin' loooooove me some Savannah. I could live there.

It is freaking GORGEOUS and has so much character and I could take pictures all day, every day, all over town.

*Big sigh*

4. Does it bother you that there seem to be a lot of Ashley wannabee's out there? I've visited a few blogs of some of your commenters, and I feel like I'm reading carbon copies of your past posts. It makes me mad! It's ok to be inspired and create your own blog, but be original people!

Sorry, just had to rant here...

(You don't have to post approve this if you think it will cause controversy.)

Good question. The Renee and I were just discussing this the other day.

Yes, it does annoy me a little sometimes. There's a fine but fuzzy line between being inspired by and doing an imitation of...and I know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I prefer compliments and presents instead.

But what can you do?

As long as no one is trying to be funnier than me, we're cool.

5. Does The Renee have a blog?

Not a public one. I keep begging her to do one, but she's all "I have too many kids and I spend too much time online and my nanny's all knocked up and I don't have the time for one more thing" Waaaah.

I even told her I had the perfect description for her:

Homeschooling stay at home mom to 4 kids with a long distance husband, a questionably legal knocked up nanny, and a business degree from Wharton, who rides an adult tricycle while listening to theme songs from retro tv shows and strives to get life under control.

WHO WOULDN'T READ THAT?? Her blog would be super smart too, The Renee always has interesting articles and statistics and things to think about. And she's funny. I steal some of her shit sometimes, like when I've done posts like:

So I said to myself, "Self, you need to get off your ass"...that's all The Renee, the Self thing.

I did that to her on our birth board too, she came up with the brilliant idea of recounting drama as band camp stories, which was funny as fucking hell, but even funnier when I did it. She made up a quiz for us all one day (she's a total dork like that) and one of the questions was who wrote the first band camp story and the only person who didn't answer 'Ashley' was me.

So some of you who think you're copying me, are maybe actually copying The Renee, who I do the occasional copying from. Anyway, she says she likes being a character here and she can still post and be funny without all of the pressure of keeping it up and devoting time and whatnot. Lazy, huh?

You all should protest, I've tried but it got me nowhere.


Okay, now I can finally publish those comments and get them out of my inbox. I'm going to have to devise a new system for remembering to answer questions in the comments. I'll put it on the list of things to think about.

Edited to add: The Renee can be very sensitive re: her adult trike. When she originally announced it, I told her that it was the queerest thing I'd ever heard and I would pay money to hear what the neighbors thought.

Then when she brought up the TV theme song downloads, I asked her if I had told her how freaking queer she was lately and there may have been a little bit of pissyness that I brought her adult trike into it, until someone (Alissa?) came up with the hysterical image of me riding on the handlebars of The Renee's trike with us singing the Laverne & Shirley song together as we rode through the streets.

So don't ask her if she wears a helmet with her trike. You just never know how that'll go over. (I choose to believe that she does, because it's funnier that way)

Edited Again to Add the song lyrics because the Laverne & Shirley trike image is even funnier when you know the words to the song, which are particularly funny for Renee and I with all of our failed motivational/inspirational b.s. Make sure you imagine it with her driving the trike, with her helmet on, and me on the handlebars in short shorts with my hair blowing in the breeze. k?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.
We're gonna do it!

Give us any chance, we'll take it.
Give us any rule, we'll break it.
We're gonna make our dreams come true.
Doin' it our way.

Nothin's gonna turn us back now,
Straight ahead and on the track now.
We're gonna make our dreams come true,
Doin' it our way.

There is nothing we won't try,
Never heard the word impossible.
This time there's no stopping us.
We're gonna do it.

On your mark, get set, and go now,
Got a dream and we just know now,
We're gonna make our dream come true.
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true,
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For me and you.

That's going to make me LOL the rest of the night.

27 comments:

jenn said...

I totally hear you on the living at least five hours away from in-laws thing. That wasn't good enough for me, though, so we packed up and moved two frickin' thousand miles. Haahahahahahahaha!

Kathy said...

The copycat question was a great one. Sometimes when I'm browsing blogs I, too, feel like I've read similar posts...I bet they all come from your blog, because you're blog is the best and definitely no one in the world is funnier than you or ever will be, not even me. EVER. :)

You're like the popular girl and everyone wants to be popular. If I ever read a blog that copies you I wilL TOTALLY call them out and then make fun of them...and stuff them in a locker or something.

It's one of my biggest pet peeves in life actually. Joke stealing. Joke stealing and giving props is ok. But joke stealing and passing it off as original - big no no...mommy no likey.

Heather said...

Sick! Sick! Sick! I'm sick and in need of AA. (Ashley's Anonymous) I didn't think you would have posted again so soon......but I was compelled to check anyway! It's a disease.......

Ashley said...

Jenn, I have considered moving to Canada, more than once, and one of my main reasons is distance. I believe distance is good for relationships. It's too cold in Canada though.

Kathy, thanks for stepping up for the bullying position. Be nice though, just tell them it was funnier when I did it.

Heather, you're cracking me up. Unfortunately, there are no known Ashley Anonymous groups, so you'll just have to keep checking at all hours of the day and night.

We're hoping for an Ashley's Closet cruise one day...I'm guessing we can count you in? ;-)

the driftwood collector said...

Hast thou not tried the Ped Egg?

Ashley said...

I have not tried the ped egg! Some shit like that will get me kicked off of the bargain board, won't it?

I hear that the foot shavings dust makes a wonderful tooth whitener if you add it to your toothpaste...

;-)

Mitch said...

I used to have a 3 state rule -- this required me to live at a minimum 3 states away from my OWN parents. My in-laws were fine. Its my own that I couldn't deal with. Then for some strange reason when I got prego I moved to Florida and was only 3 hours away. What was I thinking?

That was my long drawn out way of saying -- I totally understand your long distance logic!

And, what happens in Savannah in May?

Life, Love & Lola said...

Your blog rocks! I bet those copy cats are actually the "ANOYMOUS FUCKTARDS" that stalk you!!

Kathy said...

If it's all the same to you I'd rather just beat the bitches up. It's kind of "my thing".

Cake said...

OMG I love the visual on the bike! Mine has the two of you wearing sweaters with your first initials on them.

And I'm not making fun of you, The Renee, I mean, why NOT 3 wheels? My balance sucks and I won't lie that I've seen one around town and thought that I should get one. :-D

I have the QVC microplane thing too, MIL got it for me and refers to the shavings as "chopped walnuts" - nasty. Which reminds me, I'm way over due to chop my walnuts.

Kate said...

The Renee is like a Buddha - wise and all knowing - maybe I can rub her helmet, I mean belly? I'm quietly fascinated by her from the tidbits we get here....she seems like one of those glamorous people. I kinda picture her like Angelina. Then it was all ruined by the image of the L&S thing - since I know you are blond, that would make The Renee Shirley by default!

slacker mama said...

Very interesting stuff here.

The one question I've been wondering is who of your commenters(besides The Renee) is a Chaw?

And if you and The Renee were to ride around on her adult tricycle and sing Laverne and Shirley...who would have a big-ass monogram on their sweater?

AFRo said...

God it's good to be home and back to the 20 posts you left for us this week... I hate I missed out on the fucktard thing.

On this post: Thanks for the watermark thing... I thought maybe photoshop was my answer, but hadn't tried it yet.

Also, I aspire to be Ashley so you shouldn't talk about me.

Shannie said...

HA! I also love the thought of you and The Renee on the trike. Awesome. I agree, I love the snipets we get of her here!

And, I'm sure that I'm not the only AA member that can say you were one of the biggest inspriations for their blog. You certainly were for me. I ain't skeered. I'll admit it. And, while I read many a blog, not many peeps can touch the awesomeness that is Ashley...

Shannie said...

OOh, and I loooove Savannah. One of my favorite places in the world. My bil and his new bride just moved from there... :-( I'm in GA and have had many a fun time there. (Countless drunken nights on River Street...) We go quite often! We haven't been since Feb., though... We must return soon!

If you get a chance, drive out to Tybee and eat at one of my favorite restaruants, The Crab Shack. http://www.thecrabshack.com/ Some good low country food and laid back, low country ambience. (But, then please blog about it, so I can live vicariously through you!) But, go at night. They have the giant, mossy oaks wrapped in thousands of lights. On the weekends, they have neat stuff going on for the kids, too, like magicians wondering around and music. BK would love it! lk would, too, but they have alligators, so watch him closely. He may try to climb the fence...

You probably already have some favs there, though...

Have fun! I'm in love with Savannah. I grew up in GA and going there was one of my favorite things to do as a child. Still is. It's truly a beautiful place. The splendor of it is unsurpassed. (Charleston is a close second.) I am constanly trying to talk the mister into moving there... I'd be in heaven.

Feel free not to publish this looong ass comment. ;-)

Shannie said...

I hate typos... Damn it. Especially my own. And, I'll probably have more people read my fuck ups here than I would if I had typed it on my own blog! No, I'm sure I will. I'll be sure to proofread my Ashley comments from now on! ;-p

Renee said...

I love it when you write about me. :) It's so much easier than trying to get my own blog up and running (and keeping up with it). The Laverne and Shirley thing seriously makes me laugh out loud - those lyrics are so perfect for us. We are all about making our dreams come true, but doing it OUR way. (For example, waiting until 2009 to REALLY go balls to the wall on achieving our goals.... lmao). I'm not sure why I have to be wearing a helmet and you get to be in short shorts with your hair blowing in the breeze though. I do NOT wear a helmet on the trike - there is NO WAY that thing is going to tip over. It's very wide and sturdy. I'm still bitter about you getting all the credit for the band camp stories on the Babycenter Chaw thread, btw. And for you getting voted Funniest Chaw in the Chaw Pageant. I totally assumed it would be a close race, with you *maybe* eeking out a win by one or two votes. But it was a total landslide in your favor. I think that means you get to be Laverne - wasn't she the funnier one? And Shirley was more sensible? (Not sure if I'm sensible, but whatever..)

-The Renee

Mamalicious said...

I totally want to be Ashley, and I'm probably the FUCKTARD who blogs like her. No, wait, I'm so not that cool.

Holly

J.Rube said...

hmmmmm...
I'm a Chaw.

You had some inspirations a year ago when you started your blog, didn't you, Ashley?
I wonder if they ever thought you were imitating their art?

(Renee IS totally sexy like Angelina!!!)

Hornblowerchick said...

About the copycat question. Hmmm. Yea, I read a lot of blogs like Ashley's, and the are funny in a different way.

Ashley, you are not the end all and be all in blogs, but you're very close! LOL

Ashley said...

Seeming that my inspiration was Monogram Momma, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that she's never thought I was imitating her Martha Stewart-ish wonderfulness. Probably VERY safe to say.

Renee, you're definitely Shirley yet STILL Angelina-ish. So, I'd get the monogrammed sweater.

Shannie, I've been wanting to check Tybee out, I'll keep that in mind for sure.

Anonymous said...

Read just about any Babycenter blog, almost all ashleys closet wannabees. It's starting to make me crazy too and I'm not even the one they're copying (I never am).

I live near Savannah and I too love it! It is sp pretty in the springtime!

--jenn in ga

Renee said...

Oh yeah, I meant to say earlier that I'm not sure how some people (or even one person) ended up with the impression that I'm glamorous or Angelina-like. (I do have 4 kids - maybe that makes me Angelina-like! Lol) I'm going to have to burst that bubble and confess that I am very plain and quite un-glamorous. I'm chubby (not as chubby as I used to be though - down 28 pounds in 2008 - woo hoo - only 50 more until I reach my goal - wait until you see me later this year, Ashley, I'm gonna be smokin'!) and I don't wear make-up or drive fancy cars or anything glamorous like that. :) I just chase my kids around all day and try to keep some semblance of sanity. (Ashley helps me tremendously with that part.)

-The Renee

Kathy said...

The Renee -

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed...are you a cutter?? Do you make out with your brother?? Do you wear vials of your husbands blood around your neck?? Do you steal Jennifer Aniston's husbands??

I mean come on...theirs gotta be SOMETHING!

-Kathy

Kate said...

The Renee - I was the one who had the Angelina fantasies about you and dammit, I don't care what you say, I'm sticking with them. I'm more than a little in love with Ashley so therefore, anyone she loves must be fabulous! Also, if Ashley gets to ride on the handlebars of the trike, can I stand on the back? I promise I'm a lot of fun (and according to Ashley, wildly inappropriate and liable to land us all in jail!)

Anonymous said...

Ashley IS the end all be all of blogs, sorry but I've spent the last year or so at work reading them all and it's true.

If you think you're copying her, your probably copying her.

I picture The Renee as being more Jenifer Aniston-ish. Blog, Renee! You have fans already!

Deb said...

That song was the one we used in our wedding to walk back up the aisle after we said our vows. (I'd say recessional, but GOD, that makes me sound like a wedding dork.) Performed by a string quartet, you'd be surprised how few people get the joke.