Monday, February 11, 2008

Glimpse Into the Future

Soooo, I like all of the comments about misusing prescription drugs and taking bong hits. You are a group of wise women, my friends.

I was actually thinking the other day that one day I'm going to have two teenage boys. I'm pretty sure that means an 85% chance of finding pot in the house one day.

I know it is practically inevitable, so I already have a plan.

I'm going to call Mr. Ashley and we are going to sit down together, talk about how we want to handle this and roll a big fat joint and smoke ourselves silly.

Our little criminal will come home to find us hunched over the coffee table, sharing a giant banana split with hot fudge and peanut butter and blue berries and Capt'n Crunch cereal with potato chips on top and a side of cheese fries. We'll look up with surprised red eyes and I'll elbow Mr. Ashley into action:

Mr. Ashley: Hey, you! You there. Big-littl...yeah you. Kid.

Ashley: (snorting back a giggle)

Mr. Ashley: You're in trouble. (looks down at ice cream, takes a bite)

Kid: Why?

Mr. Ashley: (Quiet. Looks at me.)

Ashley: (snorts. Rolls eyes. Nods towards coffee table feast)

Mr. Ashley: (Staring at me.)

Ashley: Remember? (Giving him "the look", miming joint smoking action)

Mr. Ashley: OH YEAH. We found your pot. You're in huge trouble. Enormous. I don't even want to talk about it right now. Go to your room, don't come out.

Ashley: (loud whisper) Get the stuff..remember you were going to get the rest of the...

Mr. Ashley: YES. YES. That's right. We know you have more. Bring it down here right this second.

Ashley: YEAH! We're going to burn it!

Mr. Ashley: What? No! Confiscate it. She means we are confiscating it.

Ashley: Of course that is what I mean, what else would I mean? It has to be destroyed. He knows I meant we were going to destroy it. What? Like we're going to smoke it? Come on. We wouldn...

Mr. Ashley: Shhh.

Ashley: What?

Mr. Ashley: Just stop. YOU! You go to your room. Why are you standing there? Who are you staring at? Go to your room while we continue our discussion on what to do about this.

Ashley: I thought we were going to smoke it? I mean burn it. Burn it. NOT smoke it.

Mr. Ashley: No, what to do about him. We're figuring out what to do about him. Remember?

Ashley: Yes I remember. Why wouldn't I remember? (wild giggling)

So, at least I have the whole thing planned out already. You know, I've already given it some thought. Because that's what good parents do, they anticipate what is going to happen and then they formulate a plan as to how they will deal with it. I've got this one dealt with.


Anonymous said...

OMG! It's just like the time my DH's pipe went missing, then he found it in his parent's bedroom like a month later.

We went around to some Open Houses a few weeks ago and smelled that distinctive smell coming from the (obvious) teenage boy's room. We were going to try to find it, but the realtor was all up on us. If we had found it, what would we have done? Kept it, or put it on the parent's bed? Probably kept it.

AFRo said...

I'm totally against text language, but this constitutes a ROFLMFAO.

Anonymous said...

Yup. "Give me that weed right now young man. Now, give it to me. You are grounded. Your father and I are taking this to the police station right now" *snort*

My friend actually did this with her nephew. He had a party and the kids were out back smoking pot. She told them to hand it over and she and her sister smoked it later. Horrible but hilarious!!

Things I May Regret Writing said...

You think you have a problem; I have a bottle of absinthe in the fridge.

P.S. Just discovered your blog today. I love you.

SLC said...

Excellent plan. Very well thought out. ;-)

MarĂ­a said...


I'm dead. With tears of laughter and a Joker-esque smile on my face.

Anonymous said...

Freaking hilarious!

Bad Mommy said...

Awesome plan Ashley. If I ever find pot in my house I'm sending it directly to you.

The great thing is, they'll be buying the pot with their own allowance. So essentially, you get your money back. Score!

Anonymous said... I seriously needed that to start my morning... Too freakin' funny. Sooo how a stoned convo would go. And, I can see B/L Kid standing there, mouth agape, staring at you guys like you've lost your frickin' minds. Priceless.

ro said...

I don't have kids (Please don't kick me out of the closet...I've become addicted to Ashley's hilarity!), but this is one reason to give it some serious thought.

On a related note, my husband's job requires him to go through people's homes (no, he's not a cat burgular). He once found a big bag o' weed in a kids' room. I asked if pinched some, but he didn't. Damn my honest husband.

Red said...

Well, I have a teenage son and so far, I haven't dealt with that issue yet. I think my dad(a former cop)has put the fear of the Law in him so he either won't be smoking it or he'll be doing it elsewhere.

Which is really sad, because I could use his pot stash to trade for those wonderful heavy duty painkillers that all the cool kids have these days! I kid, I kid!!! : )

Anonymous said...

LMAO, I've got a similar plan in place which involves making him flush it AFTER I've replaced it with clmups of oregano and demanding to know where he got it...and can he get more. ;)

Anonymous said...

That was truly hilarious.

Anonymous said...

LOL! That was hilarious. I am going to have to prepare for that myself, with boys in the house.

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!!! Love it! So how it would go at my house - except DH prob wouldn't smoke it, so I'd be getting reprimanded along with the kids - haha!

BTW - newbie to the blog - awesome!

Joy said...

That is freakin hillarious and a rockin plan. I will have to write it down so that hubs and I will have a plan during the teenage years. We will also have 2 teenagers so I am sure it is inevitable. I am sure hubs would be up for it.

Anonymous said...

I still think you need to write a book. I am going to keep putting this into your comments at random times until I finally break your spirit and you write one.

Anonymous said...

As long as you have a plan everything will work out fine! haha

Melissa said...

Hahahhaha that's awesome. I love your plan!

Anonymous said...

OMFG, Ashley, that was hilarious!!! OH, and I love the *snort* laugh, that just rocks!!

the willards said...

hahaha that's exactly what my husband and I will do when (not if) we find pot in the house.

Good times ahead for us!