Thursday, February 7, 2008


I love this Fraggle siggy that my girl Amanda uses but I just noticed they spelled 'you're' wrong. This is such a common, and unfortunate, error. Think about your contractions people.

However, it nicely sums up my newfound obsession with the photographer who taught the seminar last night. I'd link you all to her website, but one of you would probably contact her and tell her that she has a stalker and foil my plans to fly my kids out there, have their portraits taken, follow her home, sneak in under the cover of darkness and collect her hair balls that I would later eat and which would ultimately bring me the same success and talent that she enjoys.

Someone's always got to ruin the fun.

I want to BE her. I am not sure I want to work as hard as she does, I would prefer instant success with very little effort. K? thanx.

She is a wonderful photographer, a marketing genius and a compassionate, down to Earth, real person. I can't even bring myself to be jealous of her, or to resent her success. That's pretty amazing.

Her seminar was inspiring, enlightening and so educational. I'm so glad I went!!

I should say I'm so glad I made it there, since I didn't even bother to find out where the seminar was located (can you tell I was just really glad to escape?) until we were halfway there and my parents' beloved Matilda (GPS) was doing a half ass job getting us there.

Somehow we ended up at Ikea again and I bought some more storage stuff to add to my pile of storage stuff that one day I will utilize for organization. I swear. I will. One day.

I also got a sheepskin rug, a heart shaped rug and a funky little stool for photography props and my mom was nice enough to buy those for me. Now if she'd just convert the top of her barn into a photography studio for me, I might just get somewhere in this world.

After all, I saved them a ton of dough with the college education I didn't go through with (I was thinking law school at one point!) and I've never once been in rehab or needed bail money. They pretty much owe me, right?


So then we went to the seminar and I learned a ton and realized that I need to get off of my lazy ass and start hustling if I don't want to go back to making myself sick over real estate deals when the kids get into school, or worse yet, have another kid or two to prolong the SAHM thing.

Interestingly, John Edwards the psychic was in the next room. I could hear his audience's oooohs and aaaahs and laughter and clapping. There were 700 of them and they made the hotel a total nightmare to maneuver around. I'd love to see him though.

You know what was weird? As I was walking in to this crowded room, a pile of papers and my notebook in my hand, I hear someone shout out my studio name. I turn around and some chick says, "Are you Ashley so and so?"

Yes, I answered in disbelief, how did you know?

Your name tag.

I'm not wearing a name tag.

No, but you're holding it.

I look down at my pile of unorganized crap and my name tag is there, but the way I'm holding it you can only see Ashley and 3 letters of my last name (a very common name that could be 800 other names if you only knew 3 letters). It didn't even have my studio name on it. So I looked back up at her, weirded out and she says "I'm so-and-so (not her real name). Remember I called you in December? A few times? Then we talked and I said I'd send you an email? And then you never answered it?

All of a sudden, I remembered. I kept getting messages from some lady that was telling me she needed to talk to me and I was going to think she was nuts. Understandably, I was in no rush to call her back but one day she finally caught me and went on to tell me that she was also starting a children's photography business and considered me her biggest competition. So she wanted to be friends because she believes in keeping her friends close and her enemies closer.

Oh PLEASE, yeah, let's be friends!! I want to be friends with someone who has tracked me down, declared herself as my competition and has called me her enemy...

So yeah, I did think she was nuts. I humored her though and when she asked if she could email me the link to some photos of hers, I said sure.

Yeah, I got the link, looked at the photos...and don't really think of her as my competition. Nor am I really actively pursuing friends, little less frienemies.

So I didn't email her back. And now here she was confronting me about it. I made my excuses about the Christmas season, we bragged about how busy we were and kept it friendly but I thought the whole thing was pretty weird.

I also saw my wedding photographer there and the one who did our baby portraits (remember I told you all? With the dog and the lack of a/c and the exorbitant prices?) and I saw Catfish's wedding photographer who I desperately wanted to corner and interrogate about her photos but he was always suspiciously busy when I saw him.

It is a small world after all.

I skipped out at 11pm after winning a $150 CD as a door prize (I never win!!!!), she was running late and starting the sad stuff and we had a long drive ahead of us. I was glad my mom came with me, I would have been too tired to drive back alone, it was a really long day. Plus it was nice to have someone to dish celebrity gossip with on the long, dark, boring ride back home.

Can you believe I came home to a clean house and Mr. Ashley asleep on the couch waiting for me? THAT WAS SO NICE.

Of course, the house is already quickly deteriorating and little kid has been up to his E-bull ways:

(please note the BeBo poke, the nudity, the snotty nose and dirty face...don't tell him I said this but the kid has white trash tendencies...)

He tore up the orchid they bought me last Christmas and has been trying to shove that straw cap into his ear, I'm thinking he thinks it is an ear bud? I'm not sure. We officially have no small chairs or stools left in the house and I've had to take the bongo drums away because he was using those to climb. This morning I caught him standing on his tricycle seat, rolling alongside the counter, eyeballing the goods and the potential for danger.

I'm totally going to have him be Evil Knievel for Halloween.

He also got out the box of baking supplies (kept in a tub, because he was getting it all out of the drawer) and took the top off and flung it around the kitchen and then him and Heidi Louise scurried around to lick sprinkles off of the ground.

I've been a good mom this morning too, I played with them AND made blueberry muffins. The muffins tasted like ass and in no way, shape or form resembled an actual muffin, but they don't know any different and were so excited over a hot breakfast that they thought they were great. little kid ate 3 of them.

Now I've got plans and lists to make, people. Things have to change! Somehow I went from being Ms. Outgoing, at one point my entire job was to socialize and do lunch and cocktails and talk to strangers, to being a total recluse. A lazy recluse.

DO NOT FEAR. You will all fit into the plan. I love you all enough (most of you, anyway) to sneak into your showers and eat your hairballs too, but it would take me forever. You all are high on my list of priorities. I can't even tell you how happy the inbox full of comments makes me. I NEED YOU (but not in a weird, stalkerish kind of way).

I may share some of my lists with you because frankly, y'all will read anything. Plus, I could use some accountability. Together we will conquer the world!!


SLC said...

Glad it was an exciting day! Congrats on winning the door prize!

Anonymous said...

LOL, we WILL read anything. And I love you too, Ashley.
Stay away from the stalker lady (I am TOTALLY not stalking you, btw. But I do love you in a platonic, you-entertain-me-therefore-you-are-valuable-to-me way) because she is FITH.

Bad Mommy said...

Unlike your scary little frienemy, I am NOT stalking you. But, so glad you're back and LK looks great. All he needs is a ripped, broken down couch on that porch.

Anonymous said...

That woman sounds like a freak. I had a couple of those come out of the woodwork after I was interviewed in the newspaper for my dessert business. They wanted to "pick my brain" so they could start their own dessert businesses. And maybe get some of my recipes. WTF??

Incidentally, just shut down the business after 3 years because I didn't realize that all that baking meant I also had to do the dishes. I'm THAT lazy.

Anonymous said...

WOW I need to go to one of those, I need someone that kind of inspiring to me, ehhh manybe tomorrow I'll look into it.

Jacqueline said...

I bet she's just jealous because your kids are cuter than hers ;) I'm glad the seminar was good, there's nothing better than wasting a day out on something that sucks!

Slacker Mama said...

Little Kid is so freaking precious...I can see why you haven't put him up for sale on eBay despite his e-bull ways.

Both of my girls are nudists, too. You're lucky because my 16-month old insists on diaperless which can get messy.

Anonymous said...

Glad you had fun yesterday - while we were all here waiting with anticipation for you to return. And I swear little kid may just be the cutest little boy I've ever seen.


Anonymous said...

Ashley - Looks like you need to go to one of these types of seminars every month. Not only does is get you "away" it seems to really pump you up. A shot in the arm each month with time away from E-Bull...sounds like a plan!! AND a clean house? I'm jealous!

Joy said...

So glad you are back cause I luv you in a non stalkerish type of way also. My life can just get kinda boring around here it is cold and yucky out I am so over winter I need the beach badly July needs to hury and get here so I can have sand in my toes.

Melissa said...

Glad you enjoyed the seminar!

I have a GPS too. It's name is Shelby.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe my photog didn't talk to you...Dork. I agree with the above commenter, you should go to more seminars, which will keep the excitement up and keep you from being a lazy bitch. xo
Next time get a seminar on the weekend so you can hang with me!!

so tired said...

I understand your concern about the "white trash tendencies" of LK. I am always predicting that my son will wind up on an episode of COPS.

Whenever we are home his shirt comes off immediately. This looks especially charming with jeans. Then his natural speaking voice is an aggressive yell.

I will be out in front of the house chatting with a distinguished neighbor and he will come busting out the front door with his blue jeans and no shirt on yelling at me. I always have a flash back of COPS episodes where the police cars show up with the lights on and there are people dressed like my son running around the front yard yelling at each other. Someone is usually bleeding and there is a fat person sitting on a couch on the front porch smoking.

I just hope he is smart enough to have them blur out his face when his episode airs.

Kate said...

Is it wrong that I feel both honored and slightly nauseaus at the idea of you eating hairballs of those you love? (like how I'm assuming I'm one of those??)

For the record - I'm totally going with the weird stalkerish way in loving you! :D

Anonymous said...

I refuse to use our GPS- it is simply innaccurate and refuses to acknowledge it. Funny thing though, my husband thinks my hostility towards the thing is unreasonable. Whatever.

Be careful, your stalker sounds a little nutty.

AFRo said...

I'm too tired to even try to formulate some kind of smart ass response to this long ass post, but I want you know that I am reading and I'm glad you're back.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so does everyone name their GPS's??? We have one and I keep that bitch on mute!! I do love how when I don't follow it's directions it keeps rerouting at every intersection until it finally realizes I AM SMARTER!!

Anonymous said...

I'm all about the lists, too. THe only thing is, I never get to completing the things on the list -I just keep rearranging everything on the lists. It's pathetic. I feel your pain.

Anonymous said...

OMG that baby is CUTE!!! I love pics of him!

If you're like me, and I think you might be, you'll not only need a really, really nice notebook, but also tabs in assorted colors (but all the same size), highlighters, sticky notes and the "world's best pencils" Ticonderogas. $200 later and you have yourself a Life Plan.

Maggie said...

LK is SO cute. Guess that's why you haven't sold him to the gypsies by now.

Jennifer said...

I just noticed your brainwashing comment message, ha ha.

Stay away from freak-o photographer. She will have you putting the lotion on it's skin.

X said...

LK is too, too adorable! :-)

MarĂ­a said...

Too cute of a kid!
And um, be careful. I recently got called out on my stalking of an uberhot podcaster via twitter. What's the internet coming to? I can't lurk and fiend in peace anymore?

Congrats on the door prize. :)

Anonymous said...

LK is a cutie.

Our Giant Baby likes to run around shouting, "NO PANZ! NO PANZ!" Pants are so constricting, no?