Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Not Too Timid After All

Alright, I had some alone time and a nap. I got caught up with "The Secret Lives of Women" on WE television, the women's network. Oh my God, they could have called it WET. WE has to stand for Women's Entertainment, right? LOL, that would have been so funny, I can't believe they passed up that opportunity! Losers.

But I promised you all that I'd drag my freaky friend out for some freaky Valentine's Day fun. She has scoured the Too Timid website for the best of the best. Can I get a drum roll please?

Ta-da!! You could put on your very own Trailer Trash Barbie show.

If you are inexperienced in the ways of pole dancing, you could even order a Learn to Strip Dance DVD.

Next, you go to the ethnic section of your nearest drug store (I know, this is getting weirder by the minute, huh?) and get yourself some Magic Cream hair remover. It is made for the beards of black men (I know, so many jokes we could go with here, we've got stuff to do though, people). The Bargain Board has somehow discovered that it can give you that Brazilian Wax smoothness without having to get on your hands and knees in front of a stranger and pay them to rip your pubic hair out by the roots. When you really think about it, it is a win-win situation.

(Do not over scrape the Magic Cream and DO NOT scrape with a plastic spoon. I wouldn't normally think to even warn you against that sort of craziness, but The Renee did it and she has a business degree from Wharton...so you just never know what people will do without warnings.)

Okay, now you know how to strip and you've got a hairless pussy (I cringe to even type the phrase, but I know you all want me to), all you're missing is a pole!

Until now, having a pole installed in the bedroom was quite the undertaking and you know one day your kids would grow up and remember it and be seriously freaked out, if not damaged for life.

But now you can get the Peek a Boo Strip Pole, easy to assemble, no hardware required and completely portable. You could take this baby on vacation with you (if you were the type who needs to travel with a stripper pole...).

This wouldn't work for Mr. Ashley and I, because being laughed at before sex just doesn't quite do it for me, but it is a pretty ingenious idea.

Speaking of laughing before sex...
Clone a Willy Penis Mold Kit

Is it just me or should the words penis and mold never be in the same sentence together?

We all need this for V-day. Because we could never fully enjoy any other penis shaped item as much as we love the one attached to our man, right? No. Of course not.


Do go read the solitary review. The mental image of this guy trying to accomplish the task of cloning his willy is freakin' hysterical. I'm thinking that a woman wasn't involved and that that's the first of many problems. Moving right along...

For $6, I think these washable body markers are an investment. I mean, if little kid is going to insist on writing all over himself anyway, might as well be washable. They look like they might work for his little hands too. They've got to work better than those damn Tadoodles that Santa brought him. I call them Tadon'tles because Crayola screwed that idea up big time.

I know I mentioned this hot heart massager around Christmas time, but you were probably all broke and more worried about being good moms than good wives.

It's worth another mention though and it is especially Valentine's Day-ish. Really, you should get two. I'm not just saying that, I know this from personal experience. Everyone likes a good massage!

This I love you surprise bag is also pretty Valentine's Day-ish. It has some scratch off tickets and love dice and a candle. Very cute for $7. Guys love cute, don't they?

Stuff from Kama Sutra rocks and this Kama Sutra Bedside Box would make a great gift. It comes with Oil of love, Honey Dust, Body Souffle and Love Liquid Sensual Lubricant all in a pretty box that you could get away with leaving on the dresser. Their honey dust is great and the feathery applicator feels delicious.

I have no idea about the real life appeal of the inflatable tilt master but I think every board I've belonged to has talked about The Liberator at some point and there is always a lot of interest. I would think this might work the same way but for $100 cheaper? Not sure about that, but it could be worth a shot. They also have a vibrating love cushionthat sounds pretty interesting.

Speaking of interesting...Head Candy oral sex helper. Ladies, you are officially kicked out of the weiner gobbling club if you buy these for any reason other than a joke. Nothing says sexy like two clown-like, rubbery, wax lips while getting a b.j. Come on now. That would look totally ridiculous and even a guy getting lucky would have to laugh.

Once again, I know it's been mentioned but the Ohmibod Ipod vibe is just too interesting not to mention again. It's just such a weird, but cool! idea. Plus, it's in stock now. I'm pretty sure it wasn't last time I mentioned it.

Okay, I've...I mean my friend (I pretty much forgot to do the whole friend thing throughout this post, oh well, we all know better) is pretty tired of looking through adult products for you all. I mean first, I spent all day on the new banner. Now, I've spent all evening looking at sex toys for you all. My dedication is outstanding.

Now go shop, I think you have to order by tomorrow to get it by V-day! You know your Mr. would be tickled pink to get a Too Timid present...

TooTimid.com Discreet Online Adult Store

Oh and don't forget about the freebie! You've got to love the freebies! Oh and the Viva Cream...don't forget about the Viva Cream.


Lily Goodwin said...

Peek a Boo Strip Pole huh???

You get to work out, spice up your love life (or just get laughed at), AND learn a trade!!!! You never know when you'll need to make a living out of pole dancing! And it's portable!
Woohooo! that's an investment!!!

Bad Mommy said...

Love it, love it, love it.

I've gotta get some Magic Cream.

Think I'll pass on the pole though. I have NO coordination whatsoever.

You should totally get one, it could keep LK busy for hours.

Sequana said...

I knew there was a reason I'd like hanging around at your blog. *L*

Great ideas! Those clown lips are too funny, aren't they? I can't even imagine........

X said...

Perhaps when I stop nursing, my sex drive will miraculously emerge once again, and sex toys will interest me.

Until then...my husband will continue to have an affair with his hand.

Such a horrible thing to say, I do realize, but really, it is what it is. *pout*

Renee said...

Okay, so I just went and read the directions on the Magic Cream and it says to "gently remove with edge of a spatula". I do recall searching for a spatula, but we didn't have one in Miami, so I thought a plastic spoon would be the next best thing. It's not like a tried to use a straight edge razor or something.....but OH HOW IT BURNED. It scared me away from the Magic Cream for a year, I think. And now that I read the next direction (after the spatula part), I see that it does say "do not scrape cream from beard area" (which in our context should read "do not scrape cream from pussy area"). So yeah, I should've known better. Now I am a fan of the Cream, though, and I don't use any kitchen items to remove the cream - I just get in the shower and use a washcloth to take off the cream and hair. And voila. Nice treat for His Royal Highness (which is what I would have to call my dh if I ever had a blog...that is one pampered man.) So speaking of His Royal Highness (or HRH for short), guess what he bought us for Valentine's Day? I think it's the first time he's ever bought me a Valentine's Day present....E.V.E.R. Seriously - we're not big gift-exchangers around here. We are big spenders, don't get me wrong. We just never do the surprise thing. Until this year.....when HRH decides to get us a......Liberator! We have the ramp, wedge, and rolled pillow thingy. I forget what they call the roll. How timely that you mentioned it on today's post. Mine just arrived last week. And I must say that I am in L.O.V.E. MAN OH MAN, it really makes certain positions way more comfortable. There is no more strenuous back arching or trying to hold yourself in a certain awkward position for an extended period of time. Just a fuzzy, foamy cushion (it's not actually cushiony, it's kinda hard, but that's good) for you to relax on. I'm lovin' it.

So yeah, now you might have to burn your retinas because the picture of my hairless pussy hanging over the back of the Liberator is probably terribly traumatic for you. But it had to be said. Well, it didn't HAVE to be said, but I felt like saying it. So I did. :)

-The Renee


My husband got me the clone-a-willy last year for Valentine's Day right before he deployed. He tried 3 times to do it on his own but had trouble maintaining his woody in the gelatinous stuff so I had to help things along for him. We call him "Mini-Mr. Happy" (Ryan's peep is Mr. Happy) and he has a built in vibrator that I've rather enjoyed since he's been gone.


Ok, one more thing, then I'll shut up. The "clown lips" don't go on your lips they fit over your teeth and have some texture on them so it feels good for him and tastes better for you. We bought some at a sex shop in Key West on our honeymoon and it's the only way I'll give Ryan a BJ. Yeah, I'm selfish...I demand oral but rarely, if ever, give him any.

Unknown said...

Tara, was it Fair Villa Mega Store? That place is so cool!

The Renee, I am SO JEALOUS! Also, a plastic spoon?? Come on, you know better.

Anonymous said...

LOL...God I love your readers. I did laugh about the lips (thanks for explaining) because the visual was just too funny!

Anonymous said...

ok, if you girls make me wake up the baby laughing you are going to be in so much trouble.

i seriously cannot imagine using any of that stuff - is that terrible? is it the nursing that ruins the sex drive? cuz i could seriously live without, and poor hubby has quit trying - pathetic. we need help!

Jena said...

I got the brilliant idea from the bargain board to scrape the Magic Cream with a credit card, so Renee, I totally feel your pain. OWEEEEE!

I haven't used it since, though the silver can has been taunting me lately to give it another shot.

I can't imagine explaining a spatula in the bathroom, though. And I am NOT putting that thing back in the kitchen!

Joy said...

Ok I am off to check it all out it is time we replenish our stock of toys. We actually are going on a date not on V-day but sat after and we are gonna be kid free all night!! OMG I can't believe it. Hubby will get lucky that night, but he better buy me a good dinner.

AFRo said...

Holy crap! My father in law is here visiting for the night and was totally looking over my shoulder as I scrolled down. He's now asking questions. I'll be back later...

Anonymous said...

I'm not commenting on the bedroom toys, but I will comment on the kiddie toy you mentioned--Tadoodles.
I too got suckered into buying these for my then 18 MO for Xmas. I thought they would be PERFECT for her little hands to draw and color with. How wrong was I! Those damn things leaked everywhere. And the damn paint never dried even on the outside of the stupid things. So even if you touched the little fat fucktards you got paint all over yourself. I also purchased another Crapola product that you fill up with water and they can draw on it kind of like an Aquadoodle. I (excuse me Santa) shouldn't have been so damn cheap and bought the kid a real Aquadoodle because that thing was a total POS too. It was made out of paper and so you could only draw on it once and then it got all warped and wrinkly.
I was so disappointed and pissed off over the products that I called and complained. Which I (almost) never do. Don't get me wrong, I love to bitch and complain, but just not to the official people. So I called the Crapola number and talked to a really nice lady who suggested that the product was defective. Ya think?
Anyway, she sent me an envelope to mail their Crapola back to them and also sent me some vouchers good for more Crapola products. So I bought her some good old fashioned fat crayons. Good news is that they still make a good crayon.
Just wanted to pass on that if you had an issue with the Tadoodles too that you can call and complain and then get free stuff for your troubles.
I missed you making multiple posts today. How dare you do anything like attending a seminar to further your career when you should be at home chained to the computer entertaining me and the throngs of other admirers you have!

SLC said...

I have to ask, does the Magic Cream irritate at all even if you remove it with a washcloth? Also, does it really leave you smooth, or will there be teeny stubble? This is very interesting information (ya know, with V-day approaching and all). ;-)