But I promised you all that I'd drag my freaky friend out for some freaky Valentine's Day fun. She has scoured the Too Timid website for the best of the best. Can I get a drum roll please?
Ta-da!! You could put on your very own Trailer Trash Barbie show.
If you are inexperienced in the ways of pole dancing, you could even order a Learn to Strip Dance DVD.
Next, you go to the ethnic section of your nearest drug store (I know, this is getting weirder by the minute, huh?) and get yourself some Magic Cream hair remover. It is made for the beards of black men (I know, so many jokes we could go with here, we've got stuff to do though, people). The Bargain Board has somehow discovered that it can give you that Brazilian Wax smoothness without having to get on your hands and knees in front of a stranger and pay them to rip your pubic hair out by the roots. When you really think about it, it is a win-win situation.
(Do not over scrape the Magic Cream and DO NOT scrape with a plastic spoon. I wouldn't normally think to even warn you against that sort of craziness, but The Renee did it and she has a business degree from Wharton...so you just never know what people will do without warnings.)
Okay, now you know how to strip and you've got a hairless pussy (I cringe to even type the phrase, but I know you all want me to), all you're missing is a pole!
Until now, having a pole installed in the bedroom was quite the undertaking and you know one day your kids would grow up and remember it and be seriously freaked out, if not damaged for life.
But now you can get the Peek a Boo Strip Pole, easy to assemble, no hardware required and completely portable. You could take this baby on vacation with you (if you were the type who needs to travel with a stripper pole...).
This wouldn't work for Mr. Ashley and I, because being laughed at before sex just doesn't quite do it for me, but it is a pretty ingenious idea.
Speaking of laughing before sex...
Clone a Willy Penis Mold Kit
Is it just me or should the words penis and mold never be in the same sentence together?
We all need this for V-day. Because we could never fully enjoy any other penis shaped item as much as we love the one attached to our man, right? No. Of course not.
Do go read the solitary review. The mental image of this guy trying to accomplish the task of cloning his willy is freakin' hysterical. I'm thinking that a woman wasn't involved and that that's the first of many problems. Moving right along...
For $6, I think these washable body markers are an investment. I mean, if little kid is going to insist on writing all over himself anyway, might as well be washable. They look like they might work for his little hands too. They've got to work better than those damn Tadoodles that Santa brought him. I call them Tadon'tles because Crayola screwed that idea up big time.
I know I mentioned this hot heart massager around Christmas time, but you were probably all broke and more worried about being good moms than good wives.
It's worth another mention though and it is especially Valentine's Day-ish. Really, you should get two. I'm not just saying that, I know this from personal experience. Everyone likes a good massage!
This I love you surprise bag is also pretty Valentine's Day-ish. It has some scratch off tickets and love dice and a candle. Very cute for $7. Guys love cute, don't they?
Stuff from Kama Sutra rocks and this Kama Sutra Bedside Box would make a great gift. It comes with Oil of love, Honey Dust, Body Souffle and Love Liquid Sensual Lubricant all in a pretty box that you could get away with leaving on the dresser. Their honey dust is great and the feathery applicator feels delicious.
I have no idea about the real life appeal of the inflatable tilt master but I think every board I've belonged to has talked about The Liberator at some point and there is always a lot of interest. I would think this might work the same way but for $100 cheaper? Not sure about that, but it could be worth a shot. They also have a vibrating love cushionthat sounds pretty interesting.
Speaking of interesting...Head Candy oral sex helper. Ladies, you are officially kicked out of the weiner gobbling club if you buy these for any reason other than a joke. Nothing says sexy like two clown-like, rubbery, wax lips while getting a b.j. Come on now. That would look totally ridiculous and even a guy getting lucky would have to laugh.
Once again, I know it's been mentioned but the Ohmibod Ipod vibe is just too interesting not to mention again. It's just such a weird, but cool! idea. Plus, it's in stock now. I'm pretty sure it wasn't last time I mentioned it.
Okay, I've...I mean my friend (I pretty much forgot to do the whole friend thing throughout this post, oh well, we all know better) is pretty tired of looking through adult products for you all. I mean first, I spent all day on the new banner. Now, I've spent all evening looking at sex toys for you all. My dedication is outstanding.
Now go shop, I think you have to order by tomorrow to get it by V-day! You know your Mr. would be tickled pink to get a Too Timid present...
Oh and don't forget about the freebie! You've got to love the freebies! Oh and the Viva Cream...don't forget about the Viva Cream.