Monday, February 4, 2008

Baby Evil

This is the face of Evil.

(or E-bull if Big Kid was telling this tale. That child is always telling us that he's E-bull and when he point out that he is not evil, his brother is evil, he gets pissed off and says "Can't I dest pwetend to be E-bull?)

Please note how the left hand is sneaking under the shirt to poke his belly button aka The BeBo. He is still completely fixated on his BeBo and everyone else's BeBo and cried for 45 minutes tonight at bedtime because I put him to bed in a onesie (no clean jammies, sorry kid).


Today Evil figured out how to open the deadbolt:

The deadbolt has been the only thing keeping Evil contained for the last few months or so. Every time I turn my back, he dashes for the front door and desperately tries the latch. Sometimes someone will forget to latch the deadbolt and he'll make it all the way to the front walk before I run out of the house behind him, scooping him up and foiling his escape plans.

He has also figured out the stereo cabinet lock, the craft cupboard lock (caught him with paint multiple times today), all of the baby safety devices, the sliding glass doors and the baby gate.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.

Today I caught him doing this. Notice the fear in his eyes as I approach?

No?

Me neither.

While I was folding up the chair and putting it on top of the fridge with 3 of its mates, he ran over to one of the kitchen drawers and pulled out all of the wooden kabob skewers. He threw most of them on the ground and then started running around the kitchen table with a handful of them up by his face.

I snatched them away from him and shoved them in the cabinet above the microwave and as I was doing that, he shook his finger at me and yelled "No, no, no!" and took off for Mr. Ashley's office.

I ran in there to find him with a handful of pens and some documents. I wrestled them away from him and was trying to figure out the safest place for them, when I saw him roll the office chair up to the other desk, grab the telephone and start making calls.

I hung up the telephone and turned around to see that he had climbed up to the top of the office chair and was now hanging upside down, pretty much only the top of his feet keeping him latched on, laughing at me.

I lunged for him and caught him, putting him gently on the ground and rolling the office chair into the dining room and setting up the Baby Barrier Wall to thwart further office shenanigans.


At this point, I picked up the camera again to take another photo of his naughty self and he came charging at me, hitting his face on the lens and knocking us both over. He laughed and laughed as I scolded him.

As I'm trying to get myself up off the floor and put my camera somewhere safe, I hear the junk drawer open and rush into the kitchen to see him rifling around for Mr. Ashley's old digital camera, which I pluck from his hands and put on top of the kitchen island.

As I reach over to put the camera up there, he pulls up my shirt, jabs his finger in my bellybutton and screams NO! NO! NO! when I try to pull my shirt back down.

Then he pushes me aggressively and gets a time out.

He spends his time out completely stripping his bed, as he does during every time out. Do you even KNOW what a nightmare it is to put a crib sheet on 5 times a day? Some days I give up and just fold a heavy quilt in the bottom because that doesn't seem to be worth the effort for him. I have to double knot his crib bumpers on in order to protect them. Damn right he still has bumpers...that was custom crib bedding and he slept with me for almost a year. We ARE using it and we ARE enjoying it.

I go in there to get him out of time out to see him sitting there smiling on his bare mattress with his finger in his BeBo, a pile of sheets and blankets on the floor in front of him.

MADDENING!

Luckily for both of us, Mr. Ashley came home right then and I told him about my sore throat and he said I should go take a nap. Right answer!

So I did, for about 3 hours, and although I still have a sore throat, I woke up right around little kid's bed time, which is probably the best thing for both of us today.



39 comments:

Bree said...

That sounds like a frustrating afternoon, but he sure is cute!!

Ned said...

I swear it gets better...Have a drink....

Mackenzie, the Sweat Shop Mom said...

Oh my God. That's what I have to look forward to? Should I start meds now?

GoodThingsComeInThrees said...

I have to say this blog is the most realistic and hilarious thing I've read in a LONG friggen time!!! BK kills me, LK is adorable and I love the way you tell a story, in a way I can totally relate to.

By the way my 16mo old is in love with LK, she sees his picture and tells me 'Ohhhh hansum beebeeee' and wants to keep scrolling back up to see again LoL

Thanks for writing such hilarity, I think you should publish it, same with your kiddo books!

Rachael Davis said...

I'm rolling on the floor imagining LK tornadoing (I realize that's not a word, but whatever) around the house today. Surely you expected to have a child like this? His penchant for getting into mischief comes straight from mommy dearest. Love the blog - check it daily and voted often!

Anonymous said...

I have the same picture of a kid trying to escape through the front door! Only mine is a computer chair with wheels...and I think the look might be a little more evil. Today I turned my back and he was sitting on the keyboard (located on the computer desk) looking in the webcam...you are not alone. I feel your pain.

Dawn

Melodie said...

I'm exhausted just reading that!

ditzydawn said...

He is a cute evil baby. I have an 18 month old and he is getting into everything as well. Some days I just want to hide in the bathroom and never come out.

jennyandcompany said...

too funny - i fear my youngest (3rd boy!) is going to be like that. he's only 9 months right now, but at 7 1/2 months i found him standing in a rocking chair.

yay for a nap!

AE said...

Ok, I know you think BK is smart, but LK has got to be a FREAKIN GENIUS to figure all this stuff out. I don't have quite the "Evil" kid that you do, but for my 16 month old we have 2 of the baby barrier walls that we connected in a circle in the dining room (which has no furniture now) and put a bunch of his toys in there. We call it "Baby Jail". He spends a lot of time in there and has not yet figured out how to climb out, so if LK can climb over it then you would be out of luck with this one! It took a lot of insanity before I decided to clear the room out and use it as my own personal child prison...
AE

AFRo said...

Holy crap. That's a day.

ginny said...

Wow, I no longer feel as bad about my little guy figuring out how to open the computer room door today, at least he hasn't gotten to the deadbolt (yet)...

CM said...

Sheesh!

Mandy Mae said...

You know, he's cute enough that you could probably sell him and make yourself quite the chunk of change.

Just a thought. ;)

Heather said...

Sounds like you had quite the day. Luckily he is just too damn cute.Hope tommorrow is not as crazy.

Jamie said...

I thought Big Kid was the brains of this operation? Glad to know I'm not alone in crazy days :)

Teri said...

Holy genius Batman! You should have him tested, he seems quite brilliant. I have a kiddo like that and she hasn't gotten any better, I installed chains on my front door.

Here's to hoping your LK gets better than my little spawn.

Anonymous said...

Freakin' Hillarious! I have video of my LK telling me No-No-No and waving the no no finger at me. Lets lock them both in a room together. Er, wait---they might figure out how to get out and find us.

Melissa said...

He's adorable, but that sounds like a very difficult afternoon! It seems that you can't take your eyes off of him for a second or he will cause chaos!

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog. It makes my day seem like a breeze :)

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I think I have E-bull's twin over here in the Trenches. His name is Baby, but he regularly answers to Naughty.

Kate said...

Look on the bright side, E-bull's a built in diet/exercise regime for you! I love his Zepp T-shirt. Tell him that when I internet stalk you down, Auntie Crazy is going to sit him down and give him a full Zeppelin education. What songs rock and which one's all self respecting Zepp fans will deny liking due to serious overplay on the radio!

On a side note, we taught Abby to say Bad Girl....because, well because she is! Nothing like your 16 month old walking around the house chanting Ad Url at the top of her lungs!

Cake said...

OMG I LOVE HIS SHIRT! He needs one that says E-Bull now.

He is TOO CUTE and makes me realize how spoiled I was that I never had to baby proof a thing. ;) Now I'm scared to have a second.

Christie said...

Wow, does that sound like a day with my Sanders or what!?!? Glad to know I am not the only one...

Suzanne said...

Ah, sounds like a day at our house! Except I have 2 girls (ages almost 3 and 13 months) who are both like that! I also have a ds who is about to turn 7 and he was such a good boy! Before the girls, I would watch shows like Supernannny and gloat at my obviously superior parenting skills since my ds was so well-behaved. Well, along came the girls and I realize now that it wasn't me who was a great parent, it was that I had an exceptionally well-behaved child!

judybats said...

LOL! How and when do you write and keep them from killing themselves?

Anonymous said...

Wow! Hearing stories about little kid makes me worried to have another baby...but he is so damn cute!

Katie

Catfish said...

Thank you for the daily dose of birth control.
XOXO

jenmarie702 said...

Okay, so I thought that my son was the cutest kid on the planet and now it looks like he has massive competition. Your son really is adorable!! Isn't that how it works...the cutest ones are the most trouble.

Anonymous said...

Whew! What a day!

For some reason I can't log into blogger/google so I finally gave up and will just be anonymous. Anonymous bs.

Tara said...

Makes me re-think having "maybe just one more." No freakin' way!

Tara said...

p.s. he is so freaking CUTE!! it would be hard to get mad at that sweet little face.

hotchickenbakooti said...

Hey! It's a day in the life at our house! Have you been peepin' at us again?

We call our youngest GIANT BABY (All caps absolutely necessary). He destroys everything like Godzilla in Japan. ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR! (stomp stomp stomp) ROAAAAAAAAARRRRR!

He once got out of our backyard, ran down the street and was in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD when I found him. (Mr. HCB thought he was outside, I thought he was inside). He was crying and holding 5 brightly colored flags - the kind that the cable company sticks into the ground. We got padlocks for the gates. And then he pushed the gates so hard the padlocks popped off. So now they are padlocked and bungee corded. They're so secure it takes us 10 minutes to undo them when it's time to mow the lawn.

Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

We call number two "Little Evil" I think you know this from how absolutly adorable he is that looks can really be decieving. #2 is so freakin cute she has every one completly fooled. She is being pretty sweet considering she also has the plague that the kindergartener brought home and has pretty much slept for the past 2 days.

She also loves to climb and carries the bathroom stool around the house. The other day she touched the burner on the stove luckily I had just turned it on and it was barely hot, and I was standing right there!

Off to try to catch up

Joy

RubiaLala said...

Wow, he is relentless, isn't he?!? I thought my kid had a lot of energy, but this is nothing. Thanks for making ME feel better! I wish I could make YOU feel better.

He is such a cutie though. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE his Led Zepplin shirt!

I love your blog. Your stories make me laugh.

MommyMo said...

Aww, Ashley, he's so cute! I bet some days he looks even cuter sound asleep, huh?

lambs said...

I am so tickled to hear that he has a BeBo obsession - my LK is also BeBo obsessed and has been for months. That Sandra Boynton book about hippos at Belly Button Beach is his fave!

Anonymous said...

BUSTED! Have been reading your blog religiously since its inception (I was on BBC Aug 06 board as a lurker ONLY) and never left a comment. You are not wrong to be mad at me.
Swear this is a Leo boy thing. Brandon was born 8/11/06 and your normal day with the devil incarnate is my same day and night. I have bought so much red wine in the past year that I'm now part of a "wine club" at the liquor store and have enough points to be a premier member or some shit like that...WTF?? lol
This child is my first and although I've always imagined having two, I honestly might be too worn out to even think of having another. So, feel lucky that at least LK is your 2nd and you're done (right??).

holly said...

LK is the cutest thing EVER.

I must ask, are you letting him listen to Stairway to Heaven backwards? This may be where the e-bull comes from.

Your favorite,
Holly