Sunday, February 3, 2008

Things I'm Pondering

Lately I've been thinking about two things:

1. Getting a goat.

and

2. Whoring myself out.

Don't worry, the two are not related, although I guess they could be.

First, let's talk about the goat. I agreed to move to the woods because Mr. Ashley promised me we would have a really big yard and he would turn it into my very own little forest wonderland, with paths and squirrel feeders and bird feeders and garden gnomes and twinkling lights and benches and wind chimes and he'd keep the grass mowed.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Let's just say that Mr. Ashley has lost all input on future real estate purchases. Let's also say that our next house most likely won't have a lot of land.

So while I'm stuck here...why not have a goat? They are cute and fun and will help eat the grass/trim the underbrush. The boys could go out there and feed it goat food or whatever and it would make cameo appearances on the blog and it would be amusing to be people who own a goat.

There are a couple of road blocks with this plan: Mr. Ashley and my Noah-like tendency to acquire animals in pairs, even though I've regretted this move every time I've made it. I'm not that worried about the whole Mr. Ashley thing...but how could I leave a goat out there in the woods by itself? At night? It would be better to have two goats than to have one goat sleeping on the lanai, right?

Also, it would have to start out as a baby goat. Something teeny tiny that Mr. Ashley would have to get up and bottlefeed every two hours and that I could hold in my lap. I'm going to start looking in the paper, can't hurt to keep an eye out for a baby goat or two in need of a home. Okay...moving on to our next thought:

Whoring myself out.

I enjoy doing it, and God knows I'm doing it enough, might as well get paid right? It is something I'm good at and I definitely put forth the required effort. I could get my own little place, meet some interesting new people, start bringing in some paychecks. I could yell, "GO AWAY! MOMMY'S WORKING" when the brats come knocking at the door.

I used to think it was trashy and tacky...but who says I need to be above all that?

If a dickhead like Perez Hilton can make $111,000 a month (you read that right), who is to say I couldn't make at least a fraction of that? I mean SOMETHING. I was just reading about how hard he works, with up to 24 posts a day....whoopdeefreakindo. For that kind of money, your ass better be able to sit down at the computer and come up with a couple of pages of content a day.

People, I will work that hard for far less money. I'm up to 3 entries a day lately just because of all of the recent attention I've been getting (that whole Class Clown Syndrome thing), imagine if I could call it my CAREER. You'd see so much of me!

Unfortunately, I have no idea how to make that happen. I have googled it, read a ton of stuff on it and am no closer to understanding any of it. So if anyone would like to purchase ad space on this page...please! Take advantage of my cluelessness and of my absolute willingness to sell out. I get lots of traffic from women who LOVE TO SHOP.

Don't worry, I won't do the annoying Google adsense things...since they place the ad based on content can you even imagine the links we'd have to put up with? Things relating to poop, penii and bald beavers, I'm almost certain. We're not THAT trashy, not yet.

Also, no one is coming in here and trying to run the show. I reserve the right to say fucktard whenever I want. I'd have to be making a lot of moola to give up that right.

So, if you have any information on goats or making money with a blog, please comment it to me or email it to me at the email address located right over yonder------------------>

Thank you for your help in these matters.

13 comments:

clemsongirlandthecoach said...

Yeah. On the whoring yourself out part? My quandry was always this, which corner would you pick? Close to home = short commute. But then again, you'd know all your, ahem, clients. If you come up with a plan, let me know...I'm on board with that, what with the whole real estate crash and all.

Jennifer said...

I don't know much about whoring for pay but I had a pet goat as a kid and I love goats, still. They are really good pets and they will keep your underbrush and brambles cleared out, plus snakes hate goats! I'd recommend 2, and get them neutered (if boys) or else you will regret it because they stink. Your boys would love them.

Margaret said...

Have you ever smelled a goat? Imagine the enticing aroma that a petting zoo exudes...
Probably very similar to the odor of Catfish's sweater after being attacked by Trailer Trash Barbie's bald beaver.
Thanks for posting Part III. It was definitely worth the wait.

Anonymous said...

I guess a goat could be cute, but have you ever smelled a farm animal? EWWW.

Jeni said...

Ok think seriously about the goat because when my Dad remarried his wife had one (random, I know) and it was MEAN!!! It would charge and try to ram you. I don't know if she got it as an adult or what (I was sixteen and didn't care) it's deal was. If you get one make sure to go for the baby you can raise!

(How am I doing on the commenting? I think this is my third and now my kids are yelling, they left their dishes on the table and no one is getting ready for school, but hey I'm doing my part!)

Angry Julie said...

Wow! It's so early here and I already had tons of posts to read from you.

You are inspiring me to blog today too....

And YES, I voted for you on the awards, babe!!

Catfish said...

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get a goat. You'll totally regret it...But the whoring thing sounds interesting.

Kate said...

RE: The Goat

Do you want to give little kid actual options when it comes to throwing fecal matter in your direction?

Just saying...

Jodi said...

Hey... at least goat poop is contained in nice hard little pellets.
As a goat owner, I fully support your decision and move into goat farming. It's too bad you didn't live closer or I'd offer you up a few cute babies - they'd certainly help to keep your grass down. (and anything else in their way, too).
Do it.

Jonah Lisa said...

I'm pro goats and pro whoring myself.

I'd get a goat in heartbeat but it's against the covenants and restrictions of my middle of freaking nowhere, adjacent to the wilderness subdivision. However, there's a woman down the road road who wants llamas and another one who wants a sheep and I've said I'll loan out my goats for weed control so we're going to try for a coup at the next homeowner's meeting. I've also heard to get 2 and they are nicer and that fixing them cuts down on the smell.

Re: Whoring... I've joined a few affiliate programs and am considering a couple of ads but for me I'm keeping it to things I'm already using or interested in. It's like whoring lite--like I only give head. I think the money will be paltry. I'm betting on the long game and hoping to use the blog as a platform for other writing work in the future. Not that I know how to do that, but I hear tell...

Cake said...

At first I was going to type - ohh get two so it's not lonely but then I remembered how much they crap. All over your yard.

And when they bleat/bleet (sp?) it sounds like a child crying loudly MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

I "kid" (LOL pun intended) you not, when I was growing up, our neighbors down the road had one and I always thought it was the little girl locked outside crying for her Mom.

Don't get your goat. ;)

Traci said...

I don't know how you do it, but check out dooce.com (if you haven't already)
her blog is her career, and has enabled both her and her Hubs to be SAHP. and you can't even see a ridiculous amount of ads on her pages..
I wish you well, my friend.

Kelsy said...

DON'T GET GOATS! They are nasty, stinky animals! The males pee on thier chin hair because it attracts females. Isn't that wonderful? We had them when I was growing up for the same reason you are looking into and we got rid of them after like, 3 months. Mainly b/c they kept escaping the electric fence, but also becuase they are NASTY!